Archive for March, 2012

March 31st, 2012

What are you doing on May 10th?

Posted in The Job - General by 200

Joining in the police demo in London?

I didn’t go on the last one but quite a few from my force did.

It will be interesting to see whether the proposed Police Federation demo on May 10th garners any more support than the one back in 2008. Are we any more militant now after the current round of cuts and changes in conditions of service with potential loss of thousands of pounds in income, than we were four years ago when Jacqui Smith tried to diddle us out of a few hundred quid on a pay rise?

I seem to recall the Fed did a roaring trade in free baseball caps, I don’t recall seeing any of them after the event, what will the monthly Federation fees buy for this demo?

Are you going?

March 30th, 2012

One step forward, two steps back

Posted in The Job - Comment by 200

If this story is true, it doesn’t look too good.

You’d have thought, with all the technology people carry with them these days, and all the technology people nearby have, that people would think before they open their mouths.

I mix with a lot of young black men in a social setting, they are part of a club that I help with. Some of them call each other ‘nigga’ quite often, they refer to each other as such on FB, which kind of puts out a mixed message which I’m not down enough with the kids to extricate. I ¬†don’t think because they use the word, that anyone not within that group can use it. I have no desire to use the word, much like I never use the ‘C’ word either, whether I understand the social moires of is street-culture banter, or not.

I guess anyone who does, and gets recorded doing it, is setting themselves up for a fall, big style.

March 29th, 2012

It’s started already

Posted in The Job - Comment by 200

Fuck me, that didn’t take long.

Petrol chaos, started by the government this week, as roads across the country chog up with people trying to squeeze every last drop of petrol into anything they can carry. Punch-ups in the queues as people jump the queue and try to insert themselves into the smallest gap to get to the pumps before the country runs dry.


Even if the tanker drivers go on strike it’s not likely to be for a week at the very least. It seems to have gone over the heads of the greedy bastard petrol hoarders that all the petrol they have bought today, will have gone before the strike even starts.

Estimates suggest the government earned an additional £32million from the extra petrol sales yesterday

Was it back in 2000 when we had the blockades of the petrol refineries? Queues over a mile long, rationing at the pumps. Public order overtime just to patrol the queues.

* well there probably is now, you greedy selfish bastards.

March 28th, 2012

Anyone got a spare jerry can?

Posted in The Job - General by 200

I went to a function on Monday night. It was one where I happened to bump into an old Superintendent, long since retired. A lovely man.

We had a pint afterwards in a local hostelry and he happened to enquire as to whether I was still enjoying the job, now I’d been out of it for 3 years or so. I must have gone off on one about what life was really like in the control room and the shite we had to deal with these days and why the service to the public was so piss poor. I think his eyes started to glaze over, so I changed the subject.

On the way home, I called in to a petrol station to fill up. I’d actually hit the red on the way to the function, but because I’d been working and had only an hour to grab a bite to eat, shower and change after work, and get to the function, I’d not had time to fuel up.

I pulled into the petrol station around 10.30pm, there was nobody on the forecourt. I thought it a bit strange that of the 8 pumps, all unleaded were empty. That was until I heard the Conservative government in the form of Francis Maud & the Prime Minister today encouraging everyone to go panic buying petrol, just in case there is a petrol delivery drivers’ strike at some unspecified time in the future.

Way to go, Camo. Sometimes they haven’t got a fucking clue, have they.

Sometimes? Change that; all the time.

March 27th, 2012

Essex Hurricane Appeal

Posted in Other Stuff by 200

A major hurricane (Hurricane ‚ÄėShazza‚Äô) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “Faaackinell”.

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage.  Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.¬† My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Jade-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning”.

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.


This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine.
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.


Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut… “Where are you bleeding from?” they asked,
“Romford” said the girl, “woss that gotta do wiv you?”

Please don’t forward this to anyone living in Essex – oh, sod it, they won’t be able to read it, anyway.

March 26th, 2012

Those crazy kids

Posted in Videos by 200

Have we had this one before? If so enjoy it again…

March 25th, 2012

Another YouTube Arse

Posted in Videos by 200

If you’re going to break the law and drive like a twat, the moral of the story is probably not to post it on YouTube.

The following diver faces jail in Japan after viewers of his video reported him to police.

March 24th, 2012

Who’s the Daddy?

Posted in Other Stuff by 200

I have no idea if these quotes are genuine or not, if they’re not, they bloody well could be. They are supposed to be taken from Child Support Agency applications from the section regarding the father of the child/children…

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not knos the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can yku please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was imaculat and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia’s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise…

7. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time…. well, I don’t have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney; maybe it really is the MagicKingdom

9. So much about that night is a blur, the only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart.

March 23rd, 2012

Don’t have the sound too high

Posted in Videos by 200

when you play this one.

Footage from a Taser-mounted camera of a female prison officer being attacked by an inmate in Minnesota.

March 22nd, 2012

Where are the tools for the job?

Posted in The Job - General by 200

Five police officers were mauled by a Pitbull-type dog in London today as they tried to arrest the owner for GBH and kidnapping.

There is some video of the attack on the Guardian website.

Officers were forced to use the best weapon the government provides to defend themselves with, their feet, as they ran away and jumped on walls and cars to get out of the reach of the vicious dog which hospitalised all five officers.

The dog was shot and killed by firearms officers. The injured officers were lucky they are in the most heavily armed force in the country; if they’d been in my force the dog might have died of old age before any officer with a gun came near it.

March 21st, 2012

I’m sure I’ve dealt with motorists like this

Posted in Videos by 200

March 20th, 2012

Just tell them you’re vulnerable

Posted in The Job - Comment by 200

The new buzzword on front line policing is ‘vulnerability’. Is the victim or caller ‘vulnerable’?

The police suffered a massive slating over criticisms that they failed to protect someone who killed herself and her daughter because they suffered years of anti social behaviour and abuse. The case has been talked of ever since as a classic example of police failure.

The people that make the decisions have decided that this cannot be allowed to happen again. As usual, the way to resolve the issue and prevent the problem ever occurring again is to go totally the other way. Check box policing which suggests that you can assess and therefore minimise the risk of people killing their children and themselves by asking a few simple questions and ticking some boxes. If the sum of all the ticked boxes amounts to a predetermined level, you have to do something. The ‘what you actually do’ is another matter but as long as you ‘do something’.

So we now have to ask everyone if they are vulnerable. What does that mean? Who the bloody hell knows? It’s the same as asking someone if they think an incident is racist. It doesn’t matter whether it was or wasn’t, if they say ‘yes’, then it’s recorded as racist. So if they say they are vulnerable that’s a tick in the box.

There only actually needs to be one tick before they are entitled to see a police officer. They might be vulnerable because they are pregnant, have special needs, are old, are young, are repeat victims, have a headache, who knows, who cares?

As an example, we don’t go to noisy parties. Now I don’t actually agree with many of the policy decisions that have crept in over the last 20 years whereby we refuse to attend, for example, ¬†a theft of twenty grand’s worth of tools thus depriving you of your ability to earn a living, and crime it over the phone, but rigidly attend, on a high response, someone who was called a wanker on Facebook. Or don’t attend a burglar alarm if you’re not rich enough to afford coverage by a central station, but if you’re going to have a policy, you might as well stick to it.

So we don’t attend noisy parties; they are envornmental health issues and thus under the remit of the local council 99% of which can’t afford to do anything about it after 5pm Monday to Friday.

Now, all you need to say is that you are a repeat victim of noisy parties (which are anti-social, after all) and you will be classed as vulnerable and thus police will attend. Because we don’t want you driving off into the night and slaughtering your family leaving a note that it was the police’s fault. You don’t even need to be a repeat victim, you can just say you feel vulnerable and that’s enough. We don’t need to find out why you are vulnerable; if you say you are, you are, simples.

Of course, the people who bring in these new policies, have no grasp on how front line policing works. If you have a percentage of police calls which result in no response, suddenly resulting in a police response, you have to have someone to respond.

We now know there are 5,000 less front line police officers with thousands more jobs going, we know that the police are not recruiting, so who is going to do the extra work? If you’re a police policy maker, you don’t have to give a fuck how your policy gets implemented, you just demand that it does and leave the problem to someone else. There are no extra police officers provided, the thin blue lines just gets thinner.

So we now have to attend everything which has a vulnerability factor. Policing by checkboxes, while the real vulnerable victims will get swallowed up and lost in amongst the millions of calls which fit a notional criteria but where there is no risk of people topping themselves.

March 19th, 2012

That’ll learn ‘im

Posted in The Job - Comment by 200

A vicious thug was jailed for 5 years this week after using a knife on his father, a police officer and a police dog.

Asher Picort, aged 21, fled his house in Ispwich after stabbing his father several times in the stomach with a large kitchen knife. He was found by officers incuding PC Steve Jay, a Suffolk Police dog handler.

PC Jay sent in Police Dog Aman to disarm Picot who stabbed the dog several times. He then stabbed the officer in the shoulder before being disarmed and arrested. The officer and dog made full recoveries. He pleaded guilty to offences of unlawful wounding on his father, GBH with intent on the officer and criminal damage to the dog.

He was sentenced to 5 years imprisonment. We’ll be lucky if he serves half that.

Glad to see the courts sending out a clear message that knife crime will not be tolerated.

March 18th, 2012

Almost no silver left to sell

Posted in The Job - Comment by 200

News today which will come as no surprise, certainly to readers of this blog as I’ve mentioned it several times before.

Record numbers of police stations are closing and are due to be closed. The report in the Telegraph mentions the recent 20% funding cuts but this has been on the cards for several years. We’ve been selling off police property for years now.

Police managers call it ‘service improvement’ but everyone else just calls it selling off the family silver and sending the service to the public further down the pan.

Apparently there are around 1,300 police stations, or should that be ‘were’? A third of them have closed in the last 2 years or are due to be shut. It’s better for the public to make them report everything by email or get them to drive twenty miles or more to find a police station that is open.

The way to go is to open offices in supermarkets, which is strange given that in our force we tried having ‘police shops’ where we’d take over a closed shop in the town centre and use it as a surgery. They didn’t last long because they were expensive and people either never found out about them or didn’t want the world and his wife seeing them in the police shop while they were out shopping.

I expect now though, it will be a wonderful idea and someone will get another promotion or two for seeing the great sell of through.

March 17th, 2012

The Government just better look out

Posted in The Job - Comment by 200

The Police Federation have declared that they will put “fierce pressure” on the government to reject¬†parts¬†of the Winsor Review, of which I spoke a couple of days ago.

Judging by the effectiveness of the Federation over the last 30 years, I expect the Home Secretary is quaking in her boots.

March 16th, 2012

Sign Here, Sir (or Madam)

Posted in The Job - General by 200

well, actually, here:

Petition for the right to strike for police officers

March 15th, 2012

Apparently, we haven’t bent over far enough

Posted in The Job - Comment by 200

for Tom Winsor, who today comes up with even more suggestions to fuck the police, and thus the public, even further up the arse, without the lube.

So, apart from the 20% cut in police budget, tens of thousands of job cuts, increased pension contributions for a lesser pension reward, several thousand pounds cut in renumeration and payments, pay freeze for the last 2 years and just 1% for the next two, we’re now expected to cut the starting salary for new officers by another ¬£4,000 to ¬£17,000 – ¬£19,000 – depending which news report you read.

Officers who have sacrificed their safety and health for the public, such as all those officers who get injured or assaulted on duty, who, as a result of those injuries, are no longer able to fulfill a full front-line role, and would have been looked after by the job by giving a role elsewhere, will now be sacked – or ‘made redundant’.

Hogan-Howe, he who promised so much recently in the war against the government’s incessant need to slash the effectiveness of the British police, appears to have rolled over at the first obstacle, if the interview with him on the Six o’Clock News tonight was anything to go by.

Slip a few statements into the news release just to make sure public sympathy continues to swing against officers and thus making it more palatable for all the other shite they’re bringing in, such as 52% of officers are obese so would either get fit or get sacked, and the job’s a good ‘un.

GMP Chief Peter – Sycophantics-R-Us ¬†Fahy, goes all out to support his officers, not, ¬†by saying: “Policing has become far more complex and specialised. Our staff want to see their individual talent and contribution recognised and the public want to see police effort targeted where it will have most impact.” Forgetting that he is part of the reason the public have been denied the opportunity to have policing directed in an effective way by the way they have overseen a meaningless target-driven culture for the last 15 years. What he really means is, give it to me big boys, I’ll implement it, can I have my tea and medals, and how about a nice job in the Inspectorate of Constabulary?

Policing is far more complex and specialised? My fucking arse, policing is the same now as it was ¬†when the Bow Street Runners were doing their thing. It’s about protecting life and property, the prevention and detection of crime and the maintenance of public order. You don’t need a fucking degree in Greek Philosphy or some other meaningless shite to know that. You need a basic understanding of the role of the police which is based on the same principles as when the police were first formalised and not based on some blue-sky twaddle from whoever happens to be paying the bills at the time.

What a bunch of fucking wankers.

Annoyed, much?

March 14th, 2012

A sobering reminder about driving in snow & ice

Posted in Videos by 200

There is no blood & no bodies in this short video, but the crash itself  is pretty shocking.

March 13th, 2012

PC Dockgreen is an Arse

Posted in The Job - Experience by 200

PC Dockgreen works shifts out of one of the towns I cover frequently.

I have never met the bloke, so I don’t know what his beef is, but the man is a total arse. There are one or two about. It’s not just me who has come to this conclusion, everyone I know who controls that area either knows the bloke’s an arse or, withing 30 seconds of any dealings over the radio with him, asks whether he is an arse all the time. We usually confirm that he is.

The first thing that winds controllers up is that he doesn’t so much ask for something, as bark it. I have no idea whether he has no social skills or whether the thinks that everyone else in the job owes him a living. Then he has this habit of speaking quite slowly and deliberately in a very sarcastic tone, for instance, when you don’t hear him properly and ask him to repeat something (which isn’t all that unusual with the fantastically modern and super high tech Airwave radio system).

He never tells you what he is doing or where he is and seems to be one of the these officers that people run off from. They’ve probably not done anything wrong, they just know of his reputation and don’t want to spend 40 minutes at the side of the road being talked down to. It’s amazing how many of his traffic stops start off with a high pitched, panic-stricken voice that a vehicle is ‘failing to stop’ only for it to pull over 20 seconds later, after PC Dockgreen has barked for every officer in the country to make for the area and back him up.

The relationship between a controller and an officer on the street should be based on mutual respect and assistance. It’s done on a quid-pro-quo basis. I want my officers do stuff for me, usually to deal with a job I am controlling, my officers want stuff from me, usually information and assistance to resolve their issues and make their dealing of the job as pain-free as possible. I generally find that politeness and¬†helpfulness¬†gets me a long way, it certainly makes the shift go a bit smoother, and I’m sure my officers appreciate it when I’m on the radio rather than one or two of my colleagues (who, to be fair, can be just as bad as PC Dockgreen).

So having explained to PC Dockgreen on more than one occasion over the last couple of years, that if he needs to wind his neck in and toe a bit more of the party line. I have suddenly discovered that the people he wants me to phone for jobs he’s dealing with, never pick up the phone. The messages he wants sent over the computer system strangely seem to disappear across the force network to who knows where, and the time it takes me to get him some help or find a free officer to pop down and bail him out of a mess he created himself, seems to stretch, often beyond the time that I go off duty. The last time I had occasion to point out the error of his ways over the radio, I got 3 phone calls from his colleagues saying it was about time someone did that.

I don’t suppose it will make a blind bit of difference though. He’ll still be an arse next week.

March 12th, 2012

Keep on going

Posted in Blogging by 200

Today marks four and a half years of blogging a post every single day.

Just saying…