Archive for April 3rd, 2009

April 3rd, 2009

Lawyers (1)

Posted in Other Stuff by 200

Something a little bit different for this blog, but why not…

Q: How can you tell the difference between a lawyer lying dead in the road and a fox?
A: With the fox, you usually see skid marks.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, he’ll get the caretaker to do it. But, you’ll get the following bill:

  • Lawyer’s time (1 hour) £400 you sucker
  • Connectivity charge £100 – he called the caretaker
  • Staff charges £250 – secretary prepared bill
  • Research fees £422 – BMW payment due
  • Consulting fees £231 – senior partner’s BMW bill
  • Specialised equipment £120 – bought bulb
  • Delivery expenses £34 – had messenger deliver it
  • Rule 453.977(b)(1) charge £340 – 2nd partner Volvo bill
  • Q: What’s the difference between a hedgehog and two lawyers in a Porsche?
    A: The hedgehog has the pricks on the outside.

    Q: What do you have if you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
    A: Not enough sand.

    Q: How do you get a solicitor out of a tree?
    A: Cut the rope.

    Q: The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an expensive dishonest lawyer are in the same room. There is £500 in cash on a table in the room. When they leave the money is gone. Who took it?
    A: Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy or an honest lawyer, the answer is obvious.

    Q: What can a goose do that a duck can’t do and that a lawyer won’t do?
    A: Stick his bill up his arse.

    Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
    A: Their personalities.

    Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
    A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.

    Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
    The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
    1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable.
    2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
    3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “Partnership.”