Archive for August 24th, 2008

August 24th, 2008

Dear Sarah Baxter

Posted in The Job - General by 200

I wanted to share an email I received this week. I must be very popular because I get emails like this all the time.

Dear Beloved in Christ,

(oh bloody hell, here comes another rip-off scam email)

It is by the grace of God that I received Christ, having known the truth, I had no choice than to do what is lawful and just in the sight of God for eternal life and in the sight of man for witness of God & is Mercies and glory upon my life.

(What? I take it English isn’t your first language, did they not teach you grammar in con-school?)

I am Mrs. Sarah Baxter, the wife of Mr ricky Baxter, (yes, and I’m the late Jehosephat B Fuckwit the Third) my husband worked with the Chevron/Texaco in Jordan for twenty years before he died in the year  2005. We were married for ten years without a child. (damn, then you won’t have anyone to inherit any legacy, if such a legacy were to exist) My Husband died after a  brief illness that lasted for only four days. (blimey, that was a brief illness) Before his death we both got  born again and dedicated christians. (yep, if you’re going to be born again, doing it before you die is often best, I find)

Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my  matrimonial home which the Bible is strongly against. (I suspect not having a child outside the matrimonial home is more to do with the fact that you’re a bloke in a shack somewhere outside Nairobi, you cretin) When my late husband was alive  he deposited the sum of US$7.5 Million. (Seven Million Five Hundred  Thousand U.S.Dollars) with a Bank in Europe. (Funnily enough I know what $7.5Million is without you having to spell it out)

Presently, this money is still with the Bank and the management just wrote me as the beneficiary that our account has been DORMANT and if I, as the beneficairy of the funds, do not re-activate the account; the funds will be CONFISCATED (that’s a bit harsh, making the account dormant after just 5 years, you should switch to the Halifax; I’ve had £11.55 in there for 15 years & they’ve never threatened to make it dormant) or I rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf (note that you need to activate this account) (hmm, so it’s your husband’s account of which you are the beneficiary & you can’t ‘reactivate it’? Don’t you guys have solicitors over there?) as I cannot come over. (over where, your husband worked in Jordan for 20 years, you’re in Jordan still, WTF’s the account?) Presently, I’m in a hospital in Jordan where I have been undergoing treatment for esophageal cancer. (nothing trivial I hope)

I have since lost my ability to talk (ah, that might come in handy later) and my doctors have told me that I have only a few weeks to live. (going for the sympathy angle then, eh?) It is my last wish to see this money distributed to charity organizations anywhere in the World. (you’re so kind) Because relatives and friends have plundered so much of my wealth since my illness, I cannot live with the agony of entrusting this huge responsibility to any of them. (but your quite happy to entrust US$7.5Million to some total stranger  you’ve never even met?)

Please, I beg you in the name of God to help me Stand-in as the  beneficiary and collect the Funds from the Bank. (It’s possibly going to be simpler & far less trouble to just get them to transfer the money to your local HSBC) I want a person that is God-fearing who  will use this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows propagating the  word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained. (you’ve got the wrong bloke then, I’d probably just keep it & spend it on cheap whores & donuts)

The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth. (yep & if I ever see you my hand will giveth you a fucking good smack in the mouth) I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband’s relatives are not Christians and I  don’t want my husband’s hard earned money to be misused by unbelievers. I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner. Hence the reason for taking this bold decision. (nothing to do with all the fuckwits who think they’re getting something for nothing & willingly give total strangers access to their bank accounts because they are greedy & brainless)

I am not afraid of death since I know where I am going to. (yep, so do I & it ain’t heaven) I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. {Exodus14 VS14}says that the lord WILL fight my case and I shall hold  my peace. (The Bible also says “But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.” – Revelation 21:8 and you are a sayer of big porkies.)

I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my soundless voice (I thought losing your speech might come in handy, I won’t be able to ring you to confirm the details then?) and presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development. (no, because if they have an ounce of morality they’ll cart you off to the local jail, you naughty man)

With God all things are possible. (well even with God’s help you aint gonna get your hands on my bank account details “to facilitate” the transfer of these non existent funds)

If you are interested in help me fullfill this dream, you can email to  my personal email: (US$7.5Million in the bank & you’ve still got a poxy rocketmail email address)

Your Sister in Christ,

Mrs. Sarah Baxter

(Dear Sarah, go fuck yourself! – Mr 200 Weeks)