Archive for February 23rd, 2008

February 23rd, 2008

Time for a new law

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

As news of a another teenage suicide in Wales broke, the government has announced it is time for a new law.

The amount of teenage suicides in one county is now well into double figures, eclipsing the average 2-3 in the past few years,. The majority have hanged themselves.

I fully expect that a committee in Westminster has been convened to ‘do something’. It’s probably called the Do Something Committee & is made up of government ministers who don’t know their arse from their elbow (that’ll be most of them, then) who understand that the only way to tackle anything is to bring in a new law. These new laws do absolutely nothing to solve anything, usually limit the once enjoyed freedoms of the majority of law-abiding folk, but they don’t half look good in the pages of Hansard & on government propaganda.

I expect the new law to tackle the growing problem of teenage suicide will be something along the lines of "The Sale of Rope & Related Items Act 2008". This will make it an offence for any person to sell, buy, possess or otherwise come into contact with rope. This will have an immediate effect that teenagers will no longer be able to hang themselves & will show that the government is prepared to to take serious action to deal with serious problems. Ropemakers will, unfortunately, have to look for another job & anyone who uses rope will need to source alternative materials.

The sale of string will be licensed and nobody under the age of 40 & over the age of 55 will be able to buy string. It will also be an offence to purchase string on behalf of another, which will stop teenagers ‘hanging’  around outside office supplies shops badgering adults to get them "a couple of meters of white" illicitly.

The sale of cotton will be limited in the same way as the sale of headache tablets. You will not be able to buy more than two reels of cotton at a time in case you are tempted to weave the cotton into a length of string and then turn lengths of string into small rope capable of supporting the weight of the average teenager (18 & a half stone). 

This new law will, of course, solve nothing, but it will show we have a government prepared to act.