Archive for October 26th, 2006

October 26th, 2006

Rare Archive Footage Found

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

Amazing historic film footage of police officers doing police work has been discovered in a disused pub in

In scenes from the film ordinary police officers can be seen patrolling streets, arresting people, investigating crimes & helping little old ladies across the road.

The film is thought to have been taken by officers making a private record of their everyday work.

One scene shows an officer patrolling a village street on a pedal cycle while whistling and waving to working-class rural folk. In another, officers are seen walking up a busy High Street & talking to shopkeepers.

Retired Ex Deputy Chief Constable Worsthorp Blinkington, renowned expert in police history, dated the footage to the late 1970s or early 1980s. Said Worsthorpe, “We can be pretty sure of the possible probable date of this film because certain practices documented in the film died out as a result of police modernisation.

He explained how certain scenes reminded him of his early career. “Take the scene of the officers walking through the housing estate.” he said. “They can clearly be seen smiling & talking to people. This hasn’t occurred since at least 1985.”

The film was unearthed by building developers during renovation of the “Duck’s (Overtime) Bill” in
Black Dog Street, Nottingham. Local historians remain perplexed about how the film found its way to the pub basement but local busybody, Mary Arse, who lives 3 doors down has a theory.

“The Duck was used by the old bill to flitter away their massive overtime payments during the Miners’ Strike of the early 80s. They were in and out of that cellar all night every night either throwing up or shagging the local girls. It could have fallen out of one of their pockets during the vinegar strokes.” She added, “That bit about shagging the locals, you will make sure it’s clear I wasn’t one of them, it could be a bit embarrassing ‘cos I was married, at the time. And anyway, the cream cleared up the problem”

ACPO spokespeople confirmed the film appeared to be genuine. “Whilst scenes in this film appear to have had some historical significance we would not like to give the impression we would be happy for policing to return to those times.” Said Peter Shitetalker, ACPO lead and champion on Providing Bullshit to the Government & Public. “Clearly scenes such as officers sitting around the police canteen enjoying a meal break during their working day will never return; we’ve made sure to close down all the canteens. Meal breaks may have been fine in the 1970s, but society has moved on & we now discourage this sort of activity.

He added that the idea of officers patrolling rural areas (or indeed patrolling anywhere) should be left happily consigned to the annals of history where they so rightly belong.

Added Shitetalker, “Clearly activities such as many of those seen in this footage have no place in 21st century policing. Our officers are far too busy chasing meaningless sanction detections & helping ACPO look good by making government ministers think we can be trusted to run the service & generally upping our detection rates by any means possible.”

We asked local Police Federation rep PC George Useless for a comment. “I’m happy to agree with anything ACPO have said or might indeed say at any time in the future. Are we off the record yet? OK, great, to be honest I’m saying fuck all mate ‘cos  if they find out I’ve told the truth I’ll get stuck on & this job is a right nine to fiver at inspectors’ rates and I’ve got 4 years to go, if you get my drift.”

Anyone interested in viewing the film will be disappointed since ACPO ‘misplaced’ it when we asked them to review the footage.