Archive for October, 2006

October 31st, 2006

Is anybody there?

Posted in Blogging by 200

I know that some people must read this blog, my stats tell me, unless the Google Bot visits 600 times a day.

I’m going to try and use this entry to try and break my World Record for Comments. It won’t be too hard to beat; the most comments I’ve ever had on a  post was 9 & I think some of them were my replies.

Anyway, if you are reading this, please remember that to leave a comment costs nothing but 30 seconds of your time. You do not have to commit to making further comments. Your single comment will bring pleasure to literally one blog writer. Two comments can provide enough feel-good factor for a whole afternoon. Five comments can provide enough pleasure for 2 days and ten comments can provide hitherto unexperienced feelings of worth & need for a whole week.

Leave a comment today, you know it makes sense.

October 30th, 2006

‘kin Wasters

Posted in The Job - Comment by 200

What is it about certain youth groups today and their complete disregard for the needs of others?

There is a growing trend of some teenagers who seem to think they have the right to do exactly what they please, when they like, no matter who they piss off. Others in the blogging world refer to them as the ‘underclass’. I prefer to use less indirect terms and refer to them by what they actually are; fucking scum.

You can recognise them because most of them wear hoodies & baseball caps, they talk as if the person they are standing next to is in the next estate, half of them last set foot in a classroom when they were 4 and ‘respec’ is a word to be uttered when they touch fists without actually knowing what it means.

They are completely lawless. Being antisocial is a badge of honour. Anyone who is double their age or older is referred to as ‘what you fuckin’ lookin’ at?’. They can’t spell ‘projectile’ but they can lob them, usually at other people’s cars or windows. Their parents, if they have them (although not usually more than one at any time), universally haven’t the faintest idea where they are or what they are doing and most of them don’t care or see that as a problem.

They’ve gotten away with it for so long they feel they have the right to do it. They talk a good game. That is to  say, they have all the mannerisms and can abuse anyone, at a distance. The thing is, if you actually stand up to them or even go on the offensive, they shit themselves. They are simply, all mouth.

Most people blame the parents. I have a different theory, I blame everyone else. That is everyone who walked past them and said nothing, everyone who left it up to someone else to ring the police, everyone who failed to stand up & be counted, everyone who shut their door and pulled the curtains. Everyone of those have, over the years, given these scumbags the implicit right to behave in the way they do. Nobody stops them, nobody told them it wasn’t acceptable.

I’m not usually one to support violence, but I’d make an exception in their case. If someone was out in the street drawing on the wall, I think residents should be within their rights to go out, pick them up by their bollocks and drag them out of the street with a warning that next time they try it their bollocks will be remaining on the wall while their arse flies across the road into the next street. If someone asks me what I’m fucking looking at, it would be the last thing they said that evening due to spending the rest of the night picking grass, mud and dog crap out of their teeth. If one resident goes out to them of  an evening it ought to be law that every other resident in the whole street must provide backup. If they damage a wing mirror, we should cut their trainers, sports shirts & hoodies off their bodies, go round their house and smash every window and then set fire to their bedrooms.

You see, you’ve only got to do it once (OK maybe twice for the really stupid ones) and they’d stop. It’s only because nobody stops them that they continue.

Next time you’re tempted to walk the other way or turn the TV up to mask the noise, just remember that you are helping the rest us to maintain the cycle of being victims to this lawless scum. Now I’m not actually suggesting that anyone goes out and commits a criminal offence, I’m using it as an illustration of the frustrations that thousands, maybe millions have. I’m lucky, I get a lot of pleasure showing people like this the error of their ways, it’s really great fun. As for anyone else who doesn’t get the pleasure of locking people up, there are very very few occasions when you can actually do nothing, yet that’s exactly what most people do…


October 29th, 2006

Blog Update

Posted in Blogging by 200

The more astute among you will have noticed that I’ve given the blog a makeover. 

I decided to get my hands dirty with Theme Coding and have spent much of the whole of one of my rest weekends learning all about WordPress themes and how to personalise them. I hope you like it. If you notice anything doesn’t work properly or looks funny, please let me know.


October 28th, 2006

Meet the Bloggers

Posted in Blogging by 200

You may recall my post of May 3rd about BBC Radio 4 doing a series on bloggers. I declined to take part in the programme fearing that the producer was not in fact  an employee of the BBC but an undercover Complaints & Discipline officer looking for another scalp.

The series finished this week. I haven’t listened to any of it as I didn’t know it had been produced let alone aired but the producer emailed me on the day it finished to advise me of its existence.

I don’t know if any police blogs were mentioned, there certainly aren’t any featured on the website for the programme. If you are interested you can see a summary of the series and listen to the five editions on the BBC “Meet the Bloggers” website.

October 26th, 2006

Rare Archive Footage Found

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

Amazing historic film footage of police officers doing police work has been discovered in a disused pub in

In scenes from the film ordinary police officers can be seen patrolling streets, arresting people, investigating crimes & helping little old ladies across the road.

The film is thought to have been taken by officers making a private record of their everyday work.

One scene shows an officer patrolling a village street on a pedal cycle while whistling and waving to working-class rural folk. In another, officers are seen walking up a busy High Street & talking to shopkeepers.

Retired Ex Deputy Chief Constable Worsthorp Blinkington, renowned expert in police history, dated the footage to the late 1970s or early 1980s. Said Worsthorpe, “We can be pretty sure of the possible probable date of this film because certain practices documented in the film died out as a result of police modernisation.

He explained how certain scenes reminded him of his early career. “Take the scene of the officers walking through the housing estate.” he said. “They can clearly be seen smiling & talking to people. This hasn’t occurred since at least 1985.”

The film was unearthed by building developers during renovation of the “Duck’s (Overtime) Bill” in
Black Dog Street, Nottingham. Local historians remain perplexed about how the film found its way to the pub basement but local busybody, Mary Arse, who lives 3 doors down has a theory.

“The Duck was used by the old bill to flitter away their massive overtime payments during the Miners’ Strike of the early 80s. They were in and out of that cellar all night every night either throwing up or shagging the local girls. It could have fallen out of one of their pockets during the vinegar strokes.” She added, “That bit about shagging the locals, you will make sure it’s clear I wasn’t one of them, it could be a bit embarrassing ‘cos I was married, at the time. And anyway, the cream cleared up the problem”

ACPO spokespeople confirmed the film appeared to be genuine. “Whilst scenes in this film appear to have had some historical significance we would not like to give the impression we would be happy for policing to return to those times.” Said Peter Shitetalker, ACPO lead and champion on Providing Bullshit to the Government & Public. “Clearly scenes such as officers sitting around the police canteen enjoying a meal break during their working day will never return; we’ve made sure to close down all the canteens. Meal breaks may have been fine in the 1970s, but society has moved on & we now discourage this sort of activity.

He added that the idea of officers patrolling rural areas (or indeed patrolling anywhere) should be left happily consigned to the annals of history where they so rightly belong.

Added Shitetalker, “Clearly activities such as many of those seen in this footage have no place in 21st century policing. Our officers are far too busy chasing meaningless sanction detections & helping ACPO look good by making government ministers think we can be trusted to run the service & generally upping our detection rates by any means possible.”

We asked local Police Federation rep PC George Useless for a comment. “I’m happy to agree with anything ACPO have said or might indeed say at any time in the future. Are we off the record yet? OK, great, to be honest I’m saying fuck all mate ‘cos  if they find out I’ve told the truth I’ll get stuck on & this job is a right nine to fiver at inspectors’ rates and I’ve got 4 years to go, if you get my drift.”

Anyone interested in viewing the film will be disappointed since ACPO ‘misplaced’ it when we asked them to review the footage.


October 25th, 2006

More Blog Updates

Posted in Blogging by 200

On my usual rounds of the Police Blogging World I’ve noticed a couple of reasonably new entrants.

Another Bloody Grumpy Copper has a blog which is less than a month old while Sergeant Says started a few weeks earlier. Sadly, both are bog standard, plain Blogspot blogs.

If PC Copperfield of the Policeman’s Blog, reads this, can you please delete the defunct links from your blog? It’s really annoying when you have as bad a memory  as mine, working your way through your links and trying to recall which ones are current, there are several blogs linked to on that site which haven’t been updated since April or May.

October 24th, 2006

Caught in Action

Posted in The Job - General by 200

TV crews get everywhere. 

You can’t switch on the television without being swamped with police reality shows. We had one of those Police Camera Skycop Road Patrol Traffic Bill thingy crews with us this week. I swore that they wouldn’t get me smiling for the folks back home in glorious Technicolor.

But I was wrong….



200Weeks – video powered by Metacafe



October 23rd, 2006

More of the Same

Posted in The Job - Comment by 200

Did anyone else listen to the Stephen Nolan Show on BBC Radio Five last night? (Sunday 22nd Oct)

The first segment of the chat show was all about “Are the British Police a waste of time?” and featured PC “David Copperfield” saying the kind of stuff you can read about in his blog. (In a disguised voice – I wouldn’t want to rely on the skills of the BBC’s wav-editor, it didn’t sound too disguised to me, unless of course PC Copperfield is a girl in which case I take my hat off to the show)

I caught the programme on my way home. The invited resident “expert” for the show was none other than arrogant loudmouth Peter Hitchens, whose contributions to the programme consisted of whinging like a schoolboy when someone called him a right-wing clown, complaining when one person spoke over him and then proceeding to shout over everyone who dared to offer an opinion contrary to his ‘obviuosly, I’m right, for I am Hitchens, derrrr’ right on, diatribes.

I kind of got sidetracked by my distaste for Hitchens and ended up emailing the show. Unfortunately, they didn’t read out my email, possibly something to do with using terms such as ‘get that arrogant wanker off the air’.

The discussion was really more of the same old same old, which anyone with a year or more in the job already knows. There are more coppers now than there ever have been; there are less front-line officers available to assist the public than there ever have been, and the people who really need the services of the local constables are being woefully let down.

The first part of the show were mainly police officers saying ‘don’t blame us’ and the second part was members of the public saying ‘the police are shite’. Of course, both are right. The police are shite in many many day-to-day things but it’s not usually the fault of the officers who turn up at the door. All of us are victims of a system which has, for the last 20 years, thrown the baby out with the bathwater in attempts to ‘modernise’ but merely seeks to fulfill some government departments attempts at social engineering.

Hitchens, for all his faults, may have a point in criticising the lack of the bobby-on-the-beat, as he has done for some years now at any opportunity he can. I just wish he’d stop acting like he is some kind of ‘knowledge-god’ on the subject.

If you are quick, you can listen to the show again by clicking on the first link above, but I guess it will only be online until next weekend when the new shows are recorded.

October 18th, 2006

Thoughts on 12 Hour Shifts

Posted in The Job - General by 200

I’ve mentioned before on this blog how I never cease to be amazed what people are searching for when they inadvertently darken the doorsteps of these humble pages.

A selection from today reveal  people looking for the Sharp End, innivotive businesses, (my poor spelling has me at No.1 in Google for that!), Managers doing frontline job BBC series, uk dogging blog, and police officers thoughts on 12 hour shifts.

I can only apologise to the people searching fr those items who ended up here hoping for enlightenment. As a poor second and in recompense for one of those lost souls I’ll offer my take on ‘police officers thoughts on 12 hour shifts’.


Er, that’s it really.


October 16th, 2006

Non-Muslim Story

Posted in The Job - General by 200

One thing they didn’t teach me at Bloggers’ School was how little time you get to actually do the blogging. I find  myself getting the best ideas for a blog at the worst times, such that by the time the best times come around I’ve forgotten what the bloody idea was in the first place and have to start again.

I know I should jot down ideas when inspiration strikes but it’s really hard to tell everyone to shut up while you make some notes in the middle of a pub fight.

I’m quite lucky in some respects at work in that I don’t work a busy city centre-type beat and I sometimes get a reasonable grub break, something my mates at the adjoining division rarely get. I sometimes put pen to paper during my break if the muse is willing and type it up when I get home, but just recently I’ve been form-filling more than usual. What with that and dealing with even more non-police work.

Reading round the other police blogs and forums it seems that everyone is talking about Muslims in one form or another. I think I’ll forgoe the trend as there really is too much. Someone commented this week on one forum, ‘is there any truth in the rumour this place is gonna be renamed Islam999, that’s all we seem to talk about’. Well, not round here. For a while.

October 6th, 2006

We’ve got Form(s)

Posted in The Job - Comment by 200

Oh joy, it’s Activity Analysis again soon.

This is a time when the tax-payer of this great nation gets to pay police officers up and down the land lots of money for not doing police work. (should that be even more not doing police work?).

For two weeks each year we have to fill in forms which shows exactly what type of activity we’ve been doing every 15 minutes for the whole 8-10 hour shift. We have big forms, they’re like multiple choice exams which have all the usual types of police activity listed and we tick which ones apply every 15 minutes. There are things like responding to incident, at scene dealing with incident, incident-related paperwork, dealing with arrest,  dealing with shite job which has nothing to do with the police  (OK that one’s not in there but if it was it would account for most of the ticks each day).

One problem with filling in the forms is that unfortunately, nothing takes 15 minutes to deal with. If you take 8 minutes to travel to a job and 8 minutes dealing with it, is that particular box meant to show travel or incident? I have no idea, oh, and it’s 16 minutes so does one minute worth of tick go in the next box?

Another problem is that nobody is actually interested in assisting the department of bean counting with their meaningless stats so nobody takes it seriously, most people don’t actually have time to complete them, nobody is willing to stay after the shift unpaid to fill them out, consequently like 79.56 per cent of all other stats, they are simply made up. There are cases where officers have ticked exactly the same boxes every day for two weeks and nobody notices.

The biggest problem is, of course, that they are completely pointless. The only possible use I have ever heard for them is that some politician on TV sometimes says'”did you know police officers spend less than 33.67 per cent of their time on patrol?” Nobody actually does anything about it so what’s the point. I can’t remember when they started but it must be 10 years or more and I have never, ever, heard of any changes being made as a direct result of anything we ever recorded on these forms, yet every single officer is expected to do it every day for two weeks each year. There are departments of HQ whose entire job is to deal with the forms, I’m sure there are departments at the Home Office whose sole purpose is to count all the ticks and there must be a department responsible for disposing of the forms into some black hole somewhere since they are never acted upon.

I’m led to believe that PCSOs also have to do them, only at a different time of year which is, I assume, to make sure there is at least some kind of uniform presence on the street whilst everyone else is form-filling back at the nick.

I fill these bloody questionnaires in ever year and nobody ever tells me whether I”ve passed or not and you can’t take them home for the kids to draw on because they are covered in damn tick boxes.


October 5th, 2006

I See Dead People

Posted in The Job - Comment by 200

“If you feel tired when driving pull over” so says the advice to motorists. I’d like to add the following advice.

If you do pull over for a sleep nobody will ever think you have pulled over for a sleep; they will think you are either dead or dying. They will then ring 999 to report that someone is dead or dying at the side of the road. This will result in an immediate response where me and my colleagues tear-arse from one end of town to the other (longer on motorways) in an effort to be first on the scene in order to try and get some kind of commendation for reviving a dead or dying motorist before the ambulance (which is also tear-arsing from one end of the county to the other as there are never any free in the town where the incident is, although their definition of ‘tear-arsing’ will be 40-60mph less than ours).

Helpful passers-by never describe someone as ‘sleeping’, ‘nodding-off’ or ‘having a kip’. They are always ‘slumped at the wheel’. or ‘unconscious’.

Here is some information for would-be 999 callers; motorists are not like elephants, at the end of their lives they don’t make their way to the jungle equivalent of the hard-shoulder in order to die. There are only three types of people who die in their cars (not including those involved in RTCs/RTAs*).

  1. People who have heart attacks at the wheel – characterised by their sudden random direction as they point their vehicle anywhere not on the carriageway, they are quite pale when they eventually stop and don’t move much.
  2. People who commit suicide – characterised by a garden hose or vacuum pipe leading from the exhaust to the rear window of the car. They are quite pink and usually lying down, not slumped at the wheel. And they aren’t usually doing this on the side of major roads as people tend to interrupt them too often.
  3. People engaged in dogging who suddenly realise the audience includes their wife/husband, characterised by having a heart attach whilst trying to pull up the trousers.

To sum up, if you want to sleep in your car, fine, don’t do it on the hard shoulder of a motorway and leave a large newspaper up so people think you are reading and not dead. If you are thinking about reporting someone dying in a car, unless they are in lane three of the motorway, they probably aren’t dying and we probably don’t need to know.

* RTC – Road Traffic Collision / RTA – Road Traffic Accident