Archive for April, 2006

April 28th, 2006


Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

This is the story of police officers not helping you because they have other things to do….this is the story of bigotry & bitterness at the heart of the police….this is the story of police officers on the take…. this is the story of a police force which fails to help victims of entrapment…this is the story of incompetence both within & without Britain’s police stations… and these are the people who weren’t quite as gullible as the police believed….”

In this month’s edition of Dispatches we reveal how senior British police officers can be easily fooled into employing money-grabbing bigots within their ranks as Nina Hobson gets a job with the boys & girls in blue, despite previous warnings about her true nature.

We capture on film evidence of police officers who should be patrolling the streets protecting innocent members of the public when they shut themselves away from their duty to talk in a rambling fashion to police station toilet mirrors.

We show for the first time footage of police officers so incompetent that they cannot even be trusted to put on their epaulettes the right way round.

In one horrifying scene one police officer is seen entrapping people into her own home for her own perverted means. One person is stunned when she reveals, on her mobile phone, the massive sum of money awaiting her at the end of her tour of duty.

We reveal how police officers so intent on achieving a conviction ignore rules of evidence,  use innuendo and opinion in order to stitch up silly men in an effort to increase government (viewing) figures.

Several scenes show in graphic details police officers ignoring clear breaches of discipline code and failing to challenge inappropriate behaviour, laughing at inappropriate comments and turning blind eyes to poor personal ethics. In some scenes certain officers even attempt to illicit information which will later be used to hang, draw & quarter these same people.

We see deception on a grand scale as privileged officers earning more than 3 times the annual salary of other hard-working police in less than a third of the time it takes those officers to earn an annual wage,
turn out work of such shoddy, meaningless, & downright bloody awful quality that the file wouldn’t make it through the most junior CPS lawyer’s in-tray. 

Officers take money from a respectable film company and over a 4-month evidence gathering undercover operation fail to come up with anything more than a few minutes of dodgy, blurred film where no criminals can be identified due to markings on the camera lens blurring their faces.

“It was a schoolboy error and not something I’d expect from a £70,000 a programme police investigator” said Sue Drop-case, senior Crown Prosecution lawyer for Rutlandshire Borough Council. “I took one look at the file, laughed, put the officer on hold for 3 hours and cut him off saying ‘but officer, where’s the evidence?'”

Dennis Arse-Talker, emeritus professor of talking bollox said; “This really won’t do. In the 2.6 seconds of footage I stayed awake for I witnessed endemic back-stabbing on a grand scale. We employ our police to
be the forbears of truth, honesty & justice, I saw none of that before I fell asleep again, truly appalling…. snore”

In one scene we see a police officer leaning against a wall, tears in her eyes, so emotional about the effects of working amongst casting directors, commissioning editors and bloody awful makeup-artists that she can’t even add up; “Sixteen years…sixteen years of my life… sob, sob”. So emotionally shaken is she that she seems to forget she only actually hung around for 11 years before attempting to seek a more lucrative career elsewhere.

Following transmission of the programme Chief Constable of Rutlandshire, Algenon Acquiescer QPM & bar said. “What we witnessed today was truly awful. The standards of some officers fell well below what we expect in the fine county Rutlandshire which has a long and honourable tradition of doing whatever the government want us to do. I will personally be taking steps to see this never happens again. The officers
identified will be taken out tomorrow morning and hung from the force flag pole before being shot. Yes, I admit I haven’t seen the programme but none the less we must be seen to act and act I will. Can I be the chief of the new amalgamated super-force now, please.” Mr Acquiescer was taken drooling from the studio calling for blood.

Next week on Dispatches we take a look at how you can brighten up your life. Nina Shite presents a studio-based programme giving you the hottest tips to save money and add a sparkle into your life. How to get a  Chinese for a quid, parking fines & how to avoid them, hide & seek for adults and where to get free porn, plus – how to get a fat cheque for doing fuck-all…don’t miss it

 Officers spend hours staring into mirrors when they should be on patrol


Officers spend hours staring at themselves in mirrors when they should be on patrol

So incompetent they can’t even be trusted to put their eppaulettes on the right way round 

* when we mentioned above the term “police officers” we were actually referring to the singular “police officer“, actually the same one in all the examples given. We apologise if we have given the impression that all police officers are as appalling as Ms Hobled. 

April 23rd, 2006

More of the Same

Posted in The Job - General by 200

It looks like there is going to be an interesting programme on TV next week.

April 27th at 9pm sees the latest edition of the Dispatches investigative series on Channel 4.

Entitled ‘Undercover Copper’ it features an “experienced” female officer who went undercover for the programme for 4 months using the ubiquitous hidden camera to reveal a’ disturbing lack of respect and care for members of the public and dereliction of duty’.

Apparently the programme will also reveal that the police is rife with negative attitudes and laziness (well no shit Sherlock!)

I’m looking forward to it although I’ll have to set the video as I’ll be at work being negative somewhere. It should make a refreshing change to all the racist homophobia.


April 20th, 2006

Motoring Surprises

Posted in The Job - Experience by 200

If you’re going to break down, it’s probably best to avoid doing it on the motorway.

If you’re going to break down on the motorway, it’s probably best to avoid doing it in the carriageway; there is a wide, greyish strip to the left of the main lanes, no it’s not meant for impatient queue-jumpers, it’s for breaking down on.

If you are going to break down on the motorway in the carriageway, it’s probably best to avoid doing it in lane three. (That’s the really fast but where all the BMWs are).

If you are going to break down on the motorway, in the carriageway, in lane 3, it’s probably best to avoid doing it on a downhill section especially around a right hand bend.

And if you are going to break down in lane 3 of one of the country’s busiest motorways on a downhill stretch, concealed around a right hand bend, it’s definitely best to avoid sitting in the vehicle. That’s when you are no longer known as the driver but the ‘target’, or ‘sitting duck’. That’s what the gap between the barriers in the central reservation is for.

And if you have the misfortune to find yourself the victim of all the above circumstances please don’t wander into lane 3, lift up the bonnet and stare at the engine. If engines repaired themselves with a good stare, I
wouldn’t be paying mechanics £75 an hour to fix mine.

Watching this exact scenario the other day was like watching an episode of the Wacky races seeing all the cars and cans careering over the lanes in an effort to a) brake and b) make a quick exit from lane 3 into lane 2 at speeds of around 70 – 90mph.

Seeing some idiot parking his vehicle 50 yards ahead of you on a bend at 90 does tend to concentrate the mind, if not make next week’s laundry come a little sooner.

Some drivers really don’t have the brains they were born with.

April 15th, 2006

Less Picket Lines

Posted in The Job - General by 200


UNISON have cancelled the second strike in April.

This means my rest day is now reinstated & I don’t have to work an extra night shift prior to full week of Lates. I now have the choice of having the day off, as I should have had, or coming in and working for some overtime.

I think I’ll pass on the OT this time, thanks.


April 13th, 2006

Lies, Damned Lies & Senior Officers

Posted in The Job - Comment by 200

It’s no wonder so many of us plebs on the front line have so little time & respect for an awful lot of the senior management within the police service; one of ours recently issued some figures to the local media in an effort to back up their master plan that to keep one of the police stations in the division open was no longer required.

You wonder what they are playing at sometimes, especially when, with a little judicious use of the Freedom of Information Act, anyone can find out whether the figures are actually true.

In this case they weren’t. For some strange reason – I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions – the number of calls for police published by the management were significantly lower than the true figure.

Incensed by what local officers perceived to be propaganda & lies put out by senior officers in an effort to advance their plans to close the police station, several officers wrote to the local press and furnished the true figures, easily obtainable from any force computer system.

This presented the force with a problem since only one set of figures could be correct, the PCs or the Superintendent & Chief Inspector in charge of the division.

Guess which group got stuck on for bringing the force into disrepute? Correct, the PCs as telling lies and getting exposed by officers with a  genuine concern for how local policing is delivered clearly is not in breach of any code, moral or otherwise (if you are a senior officer).


April 11th, 2006

More Picket Lines

Posted in The Job - Comment by 200

Oh Goody, UNISON are having another 24 hour strike later this month.

Now, whilst I support their need to have a proper, equitable pension scheme in place and not have it whipped from under their feet, the joke is starting to wear a little bit thin.

The presence of my company has again been requested to boost the numbers of PCs in our Operations Room. This is another rest day cancelled which now means I will get one day off after nights, sleep most of it and be back at work for a full week of late shifts.

I hope they leave plenty of braking time when they jump out in front of my vehicle as I go through the picket line.


April 9th, 2006

That’ll Learn ‘em

Posted in The Job - Comment by 200

I see two grandmothers have been arrested under new powers introduced with the Serious & Organised Crime & Police Act after they were found protesting against the USA’s military base at Menwith Hill in North Yorkshire.

An article on the BBC News website made mention of their senior citizen status and the fact that they were veterans of the Greenham Common protests 25 years ago. So was I, I wonder of we met!

I wonder of they were the ones who walked round Greenham Common with used tampons hanging from their clothes so police officers wouldn’t go near, or if they were the ones who squatted down in front of our riot van for a piss whenever we wanted to move. Probably not, but it brough back some nice memories of my early career.


April 6th, 2006

Thieving Scum

Posted in The Job - Experience by 200

There are some real disgusting toe-rag scumbags out there. Thankfully, they touch the lives of few people but when they do it’s usually pretty devastating for the victim. Not in a ‘loss of a loved one’ kind of way as,
usually, nobody dies, although I think there have been a few reduced to a trip to hospital as a result of ensuing shock & even heart attacks brought on by their dealings with such pond-life.

I’m talking about the scum who think it’s acceptable to con elderly folk out of their savings.

There are different methods but most have the same aim; they turn up at some unsuspecting OAPs house, con them into doing some kind of work and charge them thousands of pounds.

We had one recently with a gentleman in his 80s. The two pond-dwellers turn up and advise the chap that he had a problem with rats on his property for which, luckily, they are equipped to deal. They persuade the
man to let them cure his invented rat infestation, hang around for 20 minutes doing bugger all and then charge him £3,000.

But the victim doesn’t have £3,000 cash. No problem; our erstwhile businessmen take him to his local branch where they supervise him withdrawing £3,000 which they quickly relieve him of and disappear to their
next hapless victim.

Two months later they’ve obviously pissed the £3,000 cash up the wall, down the hypodermic, or on the dogs and decide to pay a further visit to our innocent senior citizen.

This time, apparently his tree branches need cutting and they can do the job there and then. They spend twenty minutes butchering a few branches. They chuck the branches over his fence – they don’t even have the
good grace to take them away – and one trip to the bank later, our senior citizen is relieved of a further £7,000 cash. I reckon that’s more money than BP make in a second, but I might be wrong.

This is too easy, so you know it won’t be long before they’re back. Two weeks actually and amazingly the rat problem has returned. Now if I’d charged £3,000 for getting rid of some imaginary rats which returned a few weeks later, I wouldn’t have the bare-faced cheek to charge again, I mean have these people never heard of guarantees? (well no, and neither have they heard of tax, VAT and morals).

Fortunately, by now the bank has cottoned on and when friendly Mr Elderly Gent turns up at the bank asking to withdraw a further £2,000 the bank staff call the police.

Unfortunately they are so tucked up dealing with people calling other people nasty names, by the time they arrive at the bank the scumbags have gone.

This happens in most towns up and down the land. Surprisingly, when they do get caught from time to time most of them have connections with the travelling community.

They are evil, wicked scum who prey on the most weak and powerless members of society, people who deserve better. They need to be stamped out.