Archive for the The Job – Satire category

November 22nd, 2007

Those missing Data Discs in full

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

In a shock statement today, the Home Secretary announced that sensitive data stored on two CDs had gone missing from the Home Office.

An ashen-faced Jackie Pointless said that the data discs had disappeared whilst being transferred from the Tick-boxer’s Office at Whitehall to another Tick-boxer’s office down the road, turn left & 3 doors down from the kebab shop.

Ms Pointless said, "Due to an unfortunate balls-up two data discs containing the records of literally tens of crime detections have been misplaced whilst in transit between two Home Office departments. 

"Under proper government protocols the data is normally taken in double-locked security storage cases strapped to the wrists of a team of 14 crack SAS killer-troops who are placed within the double strong-room inside the most secure security vehicle in the world. This vehicle is always accompanied by a full team of highly-trained security personnel, 56 police outriders, a battalion of the Ghurka Regiment, the Met Police helicopter & the Dagenham Girl Pipers. The Red Arrows provide top cover on the 254 metre journey."

Stumbling over her words at the Despatch Box the Home Secretary added, "Despite the best protocols put in place, I might add, by this government, it transpires that an office junior from the cleaning department decided to bypass the secure transport  option by putting th discs in a paper aeroplane & launching them out of the Box-ticker’s window when the wind was blowing in the general directon of the kebab shop.

"To date, the aeroplane has not arrived but we are hopeful it has merely been delayed in a freak mistral."

When asked the significance of the data loss Sir Trevor Beardyman said, "The loss of this data & subsequent potential consequences to policing in this country cannot be over-estimated. For the last five years we have been making up easy detection targets so the police can hit them rather than getting the boys in blue to solve difficult crimes like burglary and that one where you point a knife at someone and filch their mobile phone thingy, whatever it’s called. These made-up detections cannot be replaced. This is five years’ work down the pan and the police must be spitting bullets."

The Prime Minister said, "Clearly the fault for this debacle lies fairly & squarely at the foot of Mrs Mopp of Rent-an-illegal-immigrant Cleaning Services who took it upon herself to circumvent our clear security protocols in order to save money when we decided not to pay anything at all towards these protocols. I have accepted the resignation of her boss Mr Ogwe Igbenukwe when he arrived at the gates of Whitehall this morning with his usual transit load of foreign chappies."

John Who-he? of the Liberal Democrats said "This is an absolute disgrace. Should this data fall into the wrong hands we would be found out for cooking the books on easy detections. Clearly the only way to recover these lost detections will be for the police to concentrate their activities on even easier offences such as stepping on the cracks in the pavement, playing out of doors after 8pm & singing in a public bar."

Jackie Pointless apologised for what she described as "an extremely serious failure on the part of someone else to protect sensitive data entrusted to it in breach of its own guidelines". She added, "Nobody will be able to access this data if it is found unless they know my password is the name of my favourite football team who lost against Arsenal this week, so that was a bummer."

Jackie Pointless is 16 1/2.

 

October 24th, 2007

Those League Tables in full

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

In a shock decision which has rocked the county to the core of its foundations, Humpshire Constabulary’s chief constable Chlamydia Gruntwazzock resigned with immediate effect this week.

In a hastily-prepared press release Ms Gruntwazzock said, "Recent news of the disappointing results in the police league tables has come as a great surprise to everyone concerned in Humpshire Constabulary, most of all me. Clearly all blame must be laid at the door of those who run the organisation and as such I accept full responsibility for the current failures within my force, I mean service."

The recent annual inspection by Her Majesty’s Inspector of Constabulary, Sir Ronnie Da-do-ron-ron placed all 43 English & Welsh forces in a hierarchical list based on key government performance indicators. Humpshire was placed 42nd.

Local county council spokesperson on law & order, Lesley Beane said, "It is correct to say that the county council is disappointed with Sir Ronnie’s assessment of the force’s performance results. Whilst I cannot argue with the acualite, our perception is that there is a lot of great work going on within the meeting rooms and senior officers’ messes at Humpshire headquarters."

Humpshire recorded only 1 mark out of 100 for arresting billy the burglar at the back of the kebab shop last Wednesday week, yet recorded 120 out of a hundred for sending 4,562 members of staff on a completely pointless 3-week course on how to smile at friends we haven’t yet met.

A spokesman for Sir Ronnie Ram-a-lang-a-ding-dong said, "Clearly the only way to measure the success of the police is to come up with meaningless lists of ticky boxes which senior managers can employ cohorts of statisticians to tick. If enough boxes aren’t ticked despite the massive investment in tick-box staff then those responsible cannot fail to undertake a consideration of their position, isn’t it."

Police Authority Chairman Vincent Kodogo said, "We will not accept failure or second-best for the people of Humpshire, some of whom actually pay tax. I am gratified the chief believes the only honourable action is to resign. We are further pleased that all 26 chief superintendents & 83 superintendents have also tendered their resignation."

Asked whether he had offered his own resignation Mr Kodogo replied, "Heavens, no! It’s the chief what makes all the decisions, we merely sign all the cheques & tell him what decisions to make based on what the government want next."

Police Federation rep, John Bunce, said, "Obviously this story is complete bollocks I don’t know where you got it from. Anyone who knows anything about police & policing in the UK knows that whilst a PC will be stuck on & risk losing their job for saying something inappropriate or making a mistake when dealing with an incident, everyone knows that nobody ever takes responsibility for fucking up the whole force."

Chlamydia Gruntwazzock was a QPM.

 

September 25th, 2007

It’s not just a Rural Disease

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

The world of law enforcement was rocked to its foundations this week with the announcement of the first reported case of brown-tongue disease.

"This could not have come at a worse time," said  Acting Chief Constable J. R. Slicker in a hastily-prepared press conference at police HQ this evening. "The policing minister & Home Office are still reeling from the recent bout of foot-in-mouth disease and now this!"

The story was broken this week by journalists at the Daily Bollocks. Night editor Jonathan Liar-Liar-Pants-on-Fire said, "We have suspected for some time that there have been underlying symptoms of brown-tongue within senior echeclons of the police service. This usually manifests itself in a slavish acceptance of everything the government says with no no heed to the potential damage caused to the public & policing in this country together with a rapid need to change everything which worked to something which costs less and doesn’t."

Chief government vet, Ms Janice Hamster, urged the public to be vigilant. "Any sightings of unusual behaviour which includes such things as frantic scrabbling up promotion ladders, turning backs towards lower ranks & uncontrolled frothing & drooling from the mouth at a mention of the Queens Police Medal should be immediately reported to the authorities. We cannot underestimate the potential for damage should brown-tongue get a firm grip."

She added, "Brown-tongue can be highly contageous and is usually passed on by personal contact between senior officers and on down the ranks, although we have recently noted that even email contact is sufficient to spread the virus. Sadly, once infected,  victims of brown-tongue stand an 83% chance of developing further complications such as ‘promotion’ & a 97% chance of disappearing up their own arse."

An ashen-faced Ms Hamster concluded, "The government is doing everything in its power to stamp out brown-tongue. Sadly, we may have lost the battle among senior officers & politicians but we find encouragement in the fact that the lower down the rank structure the virus spreads the lower the infection rate."

Ms Hamster is 83.

 

May 30th, 2007

You can’t have your Cake…

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

As I stocked up with donuts for another set of shifts yesterday I couldn’t help but be drawn to the newspaper section at my local Tesco, whereupon I happened to glance at the Daily Mail headlines on the front page. Apparently, 90,000 speeding cops have been let off speeding tickets.

I have to agree with the general theme of the article, I mean, who do we think we are exceeding the speed limits whilst trying to catch criminals and save lives? It’s a bloody disgrace, talk about one rule for us & another for the rest of them!

The answer is that we must have speed limiters fitted to each & every police vehicle. And now! That way we will never be able to break the limit ever again. After all, allowing someone such as my good self who has done weeks of highly intensive training to bring my driving skills above 99.5% of the rest of the motoring public and thus allowing me to drive safely at speeds in excess of 30mph is complete madness. This is trust gone crazy.

The benefits to society of limiting the maximum speeds of emergency service vehicles would be manifold; massive decrease in fuel bills and carbon footprint (whatever that is but it seems to be mandatory to quote it as often as possible these days), no police vehicle accidents, increase in work opportunities for criminals as more will get away, shrinkage of the prison population which would in turn save the government and hence the taxpayer millions in associated cost savings and no need to waste multi-millions building new prisons. Everyone’s a winner. 

When I retire (which is looking oh so wonderful these days) I may put in for a job on the soon-to-be-announced Government Highways Officers Scheme whose sole purpose will be to walk in front of every police vehicle waving a red flag. 

May 29th, 2007

Listen to this…

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

My thanks to WhichEndBites who emailed me a copy of the audio file for the police ansaphone message mntioned in my previous post.

You can listen to the pucker audio version by clicking on one of the links below:
 

Ansaphone wma file – 154k

 
Ansaphone mp3 file – 1.11mb

May 15th, 2007

That Voicemail Message in Full

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find an audio version of this ansaphone message so you’ll have to make do with a text version. – If anyone has a link to the audio file, please let me know!

 

Hello, you have reached the Police Department’s Voice Mail. Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and unusual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:

To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you created yourself, press 1.

To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we’ll do something about a problem, press 2.

To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.

If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.

If you would like us to take control of your life due to your chemical dependency or alcohol, press 5.

If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.

To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7.

To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you’ll have our badge, or to proclaim our career is over, press 8.

To whine about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses for police rather than keeping your dumb ass in line, press 9.

Please note your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support and remember…..we’re here to save your ass, NOT kiss it!

Thanks for calling your local police department and have a nice day

Priceless, & so apt! 

 

October 26th, 2006

Rare Archive Footage Found

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

Amazing historic film footage of police officers doing police work has been discovered in a disused pub in
Nottingham.

In scenes from the film ordinary police officers can be seen patrolling streets, arresting people, investigating crimes & helping little old ladies across the road.

The film is thought to have been taken by officers making a private record of their everyday work.

One scene shows an officer patrolling a village street on a pedal cycle while whistling and waving to working-class rural folk. In another, officers are seen walking up a busy High Street & talking to shopkeepers.

Retired Ex Deputy Chief Constable Worsthorp Blinkington, renowned expert in police history, dated the footage to the late 1970s or early 1980s. Said Worsthorpe, “We can be pretty sure of the possible probable date of this film because certain practices documented in the film died out as a result of police modernisation.

He explained how certain scenes reminded him of his early career. “Take the scene of the officers walking through the housing estate.” he said. “They can clearly be seen smiling & talking to people. This hasn’t occurred since at least 1985.”

The film was unearthed by building developers during renovation of the “Duck’s (Overtime) Bill” in
Black Dog Street, Nottingham. Local historians remain perplexed about how the film found its way to the pub basement but local busybody, Mary Arse, who lives 3 doors down has a theory.

“The Duck was used by the old bill to flitter away their massive overtime payments during the Miners’ Strike of the early 80s. They were in and out of that cellar all night every night either throwing up or shagging the local girls. It could have fallen out of one of their pockets during the vinegar strokes.” She added, “That bit about shagging the locals, you will make sure it’s clear I wasn’t one of them, it could be a bit embarrassing ‘cos I was married, at the time. And anyway, the cream cleared up the problem”

ACPO spokespeople confirmed the film appeared to be genuine. “Whilst scenes in this film appear to have had some historical significance we would not like to give the impression we would be happy for policing to return to those times.” Said Peter Shitetalker, ACPO lead and champion on Providing Bullshit to the Government & Public. “Clearly scenes such as officers sitting around the police canteen enjoying a meal break during their working day will never return; we’ve made sure to close down all the canteens. Meal breaks may have been fine in the 1970s, but society has moved on & we now discourage this sort of activity.

He added that the idea of officers patrolling rural areas (or indeed patrolling anywhere) should be left happily consigned to the annals of history where they so rightly belong.

Added Shitetalker, “Clearly activities such as many of those seen in this footage have no place in 21st century policing. Our officers are far too busy chasing meaningless sanction detections & helping ACPO look good by making government ministers think we can be trusted to run the service & generally upping our detection rates by any means possible.”

We asked local Police Federation rep PC George Useless for a comment. “I’m happy to agree with anything ACPO have said or might indeed say at any time in the future. Are we off the record yet? OK, great, to be honest I’m saying fuck all mate ‘cos  if they find out I’ve told the truth I’ll get stuck on & this job is a right nine to fiver at inspectors’ rates and I’ve got 4 years to go, if you get my drift.”

Anyone interested in viewing the film will be disappointed since ACPO ‘misplaced’ it when we asked them to review the footage.

 

April 28th, 2006

Dispatches

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

This is the story of police officers not helping you because they have other things to do….this is the story of bigotry & bitterness at the heart of the police….this is the story of police officers on the take…. this is the story of a police force which fails to help victims of entrapment…this is the story of incompetence both within & without Britain’s police stations… and these are the people who weren’t quite as gullible as the police believed….”

In this month’s edition of Dispatches we reveal how senior British police officers can be easily fooled into employing money-grabbing bigots within their ranks as Nina Hobson gets a job with the boys & girls in blue, despite previous warnings about her true nature.

We capture on film evidence of police officers who should be patrolling the streets protecting innocent members of the public when they shut themselves away from their duty to talk in a rambling fashion to police station toilet mirrors.

We show for the first time footage of police officers so incompetent that they cannot even be trusted to put on their epaulettes the right way round.

In one horrifying scene one police officer is seen entrapping people into her own home for her own perverted means. One person is stunned when she reveals, on her mobile phone, the massive sum of money awaiting her at the end of her tour of duty.

We reveal how police officers so intent on achieving a conviction ignore rules of evidence,  use innuendo and opinion in order to stitch up silly men in an effort to increase government (viewing) figures.

Several scenes show in graphic details police officers ignoring clear breaches of discipline code and failing to challenge inappropriate behaviour, laughing at inappropriate comments and turning blind eyes to poor personal ethics. In some scenes certain officers even attempt to illicit information which will later be used to hang, draw & quarter these same people.

We see deception on a grand scale as privileged officers earning more than 3 times the annual salary of other hard-working police in less than a third of the time it takes those officers to earn an annual wage,
turn out work of such shoddy, meaningless, & downright bloody awful quality that the file wouldn’t make it through the most junior CPS lawyer’s in-tray. 

Officers take money from a respectable film company and over a 4-month evidence gathering undercover operation fail to come up with anything more than a few minutes of dodgy, blurred film where no criminals can be identified due to markings on the camera lens blurring their faces.

“It was a schoolboy error and not something I’d expect from a £70,000 a programme police investigator” said Sue Drop-case, senior Crown Prosecution lawyer for Rutlandshire Borough Council. “I took one look at the file, laughed, put the officer on hold for 3 hours and cut him off saying ‘but officer, where’s the evidence?'”

Dennis Arse-Talker, emeritus professor of talking bollox said; “This really won’t do. In the 2.6 seconds of footage I stayed awake for I witnessed endemic back-stabbing on a grand scale. We employ our police to
be the forbears of truth, honesty & justice, I saw none of that before I fell asleep again, truly appalling…. snore”

In one scene we see a police officer leaning against a wall, tears in her eyes, so emotional about the effects of working amongst casting directors, commissioning editors and bloody awful makeup-artists that she can’t even add up; “Sixteen years…sixteen years of my life… sob, sob”. So emotionally shaken is she that she seems to forget she only actually hung around for 11 years before attempting to seek a more lucrative career elsewhere.

Following transmission of the programme Chief Constable of Rutlandshire, Algenon Acquiescer QPM & bar said. “What we witnessed today was truly awful. The standards of some officers fell well below what we expect in the fine county Rutlandshire which has a long and honourable tradition of doing whatever the government want us to do. I will personally be taking steps to see this never happens again. The officers
identified will be taken out tomorrow morning and hung from the force flag pole before being shot. Yes, I admit I haven’t seen the programme but none the less we must be seen to act and act I will. Can I be the chief of the new amalgamated super-force now, please.” Mr Acquiescer was taken drooling from the studio calling for blood.

Next week on Dispatches we take a look at how you can brighten up your life. Nina Shite presents a studio-based programme giving you the hottest tips to save money and add a sparkle into your life. How to get a  Chinese for a quid, parking fines & how to avoid them, hide & seek for adults and where to get free porn, plus – how to get a fat cheque for doing fuck-all…don’t miss it

 Officers spend hours staring into mirrors when they should be on patrol

 

Officers spend hours staring at themselves in mirrors when they should be on patrol

So incompetent they can’t even be trusted to put their eppaulettes on the right way round 

* when we mentioned above the term “police officers” we were actually referring to the singular “police officer“, actually the same one in all the examples given. We apologise if we have given the impression that all police officers are as appalling as Ms Hobled. 

January 28th, 2006

Police Officers ‘Ineffective’

Police Officers ‘Ineffective‘ *

Police officers have had no impact on levels of reported crime, Home Office researchers have found.

The uniformed patrols, which have wide ranging powers of arrest, thousands of fast cars, multimillion pounds worth of computers and more technology than you can shake a stick at, was launched nearly 200 years ago by the government to tackle crime and anti-social behaviour.

The Home Office study found PCs had no “measurable impact” on recorded crime. And the department said they weren’t even a “reassuring presence” in the community because they are hardly ever seen in the community.

The Police Officers, introduced by former Home Secretary Sir Robert Peel, wear a uniform with a chequered trim to distinguish them from PCSOs. Many of the incidents dealt with by PCs were not categorised as crimes, such as telling people to stop calling each other names, calming people who have been sworn at and sorting out the lives of millions of people who can’t be arsed to sort out their own lives. They spend the majority of their time in offices doing paperwork or on spcialist squads, rarely patrolling the streets on foot (or even in cars).

A Home Office spokeswoman said the evaluation of the country’s 140,000 police officers was largely ambivalent.

* actually the original article was a BBC report about PCSOs which I think has certain paralells. You can read it at the BBC News Wesbite