Archive for the The Job – Satire category

January 22nd, 2011

Shock for Police Widow

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

In shock news today a woman has spoken about how her husband has betrayed her by deceiving her & living a lie.

Mrs Weeks, who does not wish to reveal her location, has spoken to the Daily Fail about 20 years of deception after discovering recently that her police-officer husband was not a police officer at all but an environmentalist.

“I met that bastard 22 years ago after he stopped me for dropping a Mars Bar wrapper in the town centre. He told me he could fine me but when I agreed to pick it up he said he would let me off. It was love at first sight. I had no idea that he was an undercover environmental campaigner. I mean, he had a hat and everything.”

Mrs Weeks explained that so-called ‘PC’ Weeks became a regular visitor at her flat and hey soon became lovers.

“He was fantastic in bed,” said Mrs Weeks, “I mean he could go for hours and took me to places I’d never been before. And what a package! I miss that part now,” she said after admitting she had left her husband of 19 years.

Their romance led to marriage and soon after two children arrived. “He told me they’d been orphaned in a plane crash & he couldn’t bear seeing them going to the local workhouse.”

Mrs Weeks soon fell into the routine of being a police wife. Mornings were spent ironing uniforms & nights were spent alone. “I thought he was out there patrolling the streets, making it safe for people to sleep in their beds at night when all the time he was crawling around some wood somewhere making sure nobody dug up badgers.”

“I should have realised sooner. He made a point of going round the house every five minutes switching off lights, I thought he was just penny-pinching. I didn’t complain when he sold the cars, even though I had to walk twenty miles to work. When he subscribed to the Tree Protection Society I thought he’d just taken up an interest in the countryside. I feel such a fool.”

PC weeks spent almost twenty years living a lie. He would leave the home in a nice shiny police uniform but spend his days waving banners at power stations or throwing eggs at politicians, before returning to his wife & family with tales of how many little old ladies he had helped across the road.

Meanwhile Mrs Weeks is trying to put the last 17 years behind her. “I’m just gutted he got away with it for 14 years. All I wanted was a nice picture on the wall, free donuts & the occasional ride in a  fast car. I can’t believe the irony that the pig I married isn’t actually a pig after all.”

April 13th, 2010

Owned

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

You just gotta love the Yanks’ sense of humour & how they can integrate it into policing.

Would never happen over here….

drug-siezure

March 22nd, 2010

That new Parliamentary scandal, in full

Posted in Other Stuff, The Job - Satire by 200

The world of politics was literally not rocked to its foundations this week at the revelations of the Sunday Times & Dispatches programme that washed up government ministers were prostituting themselves to any company with some spare cash.

Literally nobody was surprised at secret undercover footage of Labour MPs offering to do favours for three grand a day to potential clients willing to bribe, er inves,t their way to privileged access to key decision-making government departments.

Sir Sydney Freedosh, acting chair of the Parliamentary Privilege Whitewash Committee said: “Of course we are aware that Stephen Byers, Geoff Hoon & Patricia Hewitt have offered to give a leg-up to certain companies in exchange for cash, but in the current climate businesses need all the help they can get. Frankly, what did surprise us was the particularly low rates they are charging. Three thousand pounds for a day’s hard work, ringing old mates & getting them to amend laws in favour of struggling businesses seems very low indeed. At least Byers was touting for up to five grand a day. Way to go!”

Secret footage, due to be aired on Channel Four’s Dispatches, shows the MPs boasting about what they’d previously managed to get away with for cash.

Matthew Isitmyturnagain, from the Taxpayers Alliance, said: “We weren’t in the least bit surprised at the documentary’s revelations. MPs lining their own pockets is nothing new. It’s what they do. At least this time it’s business footing the bill, not the taxpayer.”

Stephen Byers has sought to clarify matters. In a statement released when he realised hed been caught, he said: “I wish to make it clear that when I told the very attractive undercover journalist that I had ‘facilitated a better deal for National Express by speaking to the Transport Minister’ what I actually meant was ‘I have never lobbied ministers on behalf of commercial interests’. When I said I ‘was like a cab for hire’ – at between three five thousand pounds a day – this was taken out of context. What I really meant was that’ in the light of recent revelations about corruption in Parliament the furore of MPs expences, it would be totally inappropriate for me to accept or even seek more free cash to carry out sleazy Spanish practises, please pick up your hidden cameras microphones be gone’. I trust this sets the record straight won’t delay my elevation to the Lords unduly.”

Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment as he was attending to important matters behind his desk at number ten with his head on his hands.

June 22nd, 2009

That Times Story in full

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

The world of TV entertainment & motor racing was rocked to its foundations this week with the news that a crack team of Times investigative journalists had blown the lid in one if the most closely guarded secrets of all time.

Trevor Shite, deputy-under-sub-night editor for the Murdoch Thunderer said “We’ve been working this case night & day for 18 months. Next to the question of who married Jesus, this is the biggest mystery our readers have been emailing us about.”

Rumours have been bubbling in journalistic circles that a big story was about to break & with the publication of today’s edition of the Murdoch Bugle, all was revealed.

Shite said “After many minutes of hard work we can now reveal the identity of Top Gear’s ‘Stig’.”

The Stig, Top Gear’s tamed racing driver, has long been the subject of speculation as to his identity since he first donned the famous white romper suit & helmet. The Stig has been sensationally revealed to be Mrs Gladys Blenkinsop, a 69-year-old pensioner from Newcastle-under-Lyme.

The Murdoch Chronicle’s lead investigative journalist with the ‘ruining people’s well-being’ portfolio explained, “People have the right to know the identity of anyone whose manner of driving brings them into the public consciousness. We will always work tirelessly to bring our readers the best journalism the country has to offer. Mrs Blenkinsop has been quite willing to live under the mask of anonymity while she zooms round private racetracks at all hours, but what if she was not in fact one of the most famous racing personalities on the planet? What if she was something low & scummy, like a journo? Where would we be then?”

Fending off the ensuing public backlash, Algernon Dickwinkle, one of the Murdoch Advertiser’s leading hacks said “The identity of the Stig is clearly a matter of public interest. We have literally two requests for us to reveal this information &  we are quite happy to do so. This is journalism in action, at its finest.”

Critics of the Times have accused it of running out of news. In it’s defence  Dickwankle said, “Clearly the Times missed a trick on declining the offer to purchase a set of documents from a Whitehall source on the basis of nobody giving a fuck about what MPs spend their hard earned cash on. So we made up for missing the biggest story of the year so far by publishing the biggest non-story of the year, it kind of works.”

Murdoch journos studied the identity of the Stig by typing relevant keywords into Google. When they drew a blank, the merely followed the Stig home on the number 27 bus.

When contacted, Mrs Blenkinsop, on  the doorstep of her Midlands home, said “I really don’t know what all the fuss is about. I have to go now dear as I’ve just put some scones in the oven & then I have a new turbocharger to fit.”

Batting off criticism that the Murdoch Post was merely trying to scoop the bottom of the journalistic barrel after missing out on stories where people actually did give a fuck, Shite said “That’s nothing, in the next part of the series we reveal that Father Christmas doesn’t exist, the Prime Minister is really some bloke called Gordon Brown and the Bogeyman  is a second hand vacuum cleaner salesman called Norman.”

April 19th, 2009

New trial system set to launch

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

The judicial system was rocked to its foundations today with the announcement from the Lord Chief Justice that England & Wales is likely to abandon trial by jury.

Lord Trumpington Outloud said that following secret government trials the right to trial by jury would, from May 15th 2009, be replaced by a new system slated to be far more popular; trial by YouTube. In a speach this morning to the House of Lords, he said, Britain has, for many thousands of years, & long and proud tradition of the concept of trial by peers. Far from ditching the concept,  we are enhancing it. No longer will people be judged by just 12 men good & true, they will be judged by potentially millions of their peers. This is just extending the trial by jury concept, not abandoning it.”

A government white paper sets out the new system. Members of the public will no longer need to go through the long & laborious process of reporting a crime to the police, waiting months to make statements with a roll of the doce as to whether the offender sees the inside of a court. Instead, they will just film the crime & post the video on YouTube. All visitors to the site will then be able to view the footage & select their choice of three boxes; “Guilty”, “Not Guilty” or “Your having a fucking giraffe”.

A new unit set up at the Home Office will be responsible for counting the votes & publishing the verdicts via the new www.stitched-up-like-a-kipper.gov.uk website.

Home Secretary, Jacquie Spliff  said, “The government has long been a champion of new and innovative ideas and we are proud to announce this new initiative which should see conviction rates soar. If it saves the need for just one trial it will be enough to buy me a third holiday home on the sea-front at Weston-super-Mare. I signed off the directive this morning using a biro purchased from Messrs W H Smith, cost 49 pence. Can I have a refund on that now, please.”

Sham Chakrawanki, president of Libertas said, “It’s about time police officers were held accountable for their actions. Hopefully, with the removal of the CPS and court process, convictions will rise & police officers can be taken off the streets and put where they belong, in prison. What, this is for members of the public as well? Oh shit, no comment.”

The new scheme hasn’t gone down well in all quarters, however. Robin Shite, senior partner of London law firm Sue, Sue and Sue said, “This is an utter disgrace. We have a long tradition of squeezing every last penny out of the legal aid system. Why, only last month I earnt 2 squillion pounds on a trumped up robbery charge which I persuaded to go not guilty even though he done it, after we got it adjourned 64 times at £2,564.46 an hour plus VAT. If this system comes in how can shysters such as myself be expected to earn a crust? The corridors of every court in the land will be full of suited gentlemen weeping into their portfolios. Those Lexuses don’t buy themselves.” He added, “To whom shall I make the bill for this quote?”

YouTube confirmed they had been approached by the Home Office & were ramping up their systems to cope with demand. Jonathan Richbastard said “It’s only natural for YouTube to branch into judicial systems. We welcome developments with open arms. This is merely another arm of Google’s efforts to take over the world.”

He added, “There are measures in place to stop abuse of the system, for instance, only a certain proportion will be allowed to vote not guilty. The exact forumla is kept secret by the Home Office but we can say it is linked to whether the defendant is a police officer & is tied in with government satisfaction levels.”

April 8th, 2009

Secret Raid Plans Revealed

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

Bob Quick reveals the nations secrets
Bob Quick is an Assistant Met Commissioner in charge of counter-terrorism. He’s also a bit of a numpty.

Mr Quick was filmed arriving at Downing Street this morning. He was holding some paperwork as he alighted from his vehicle, doubtless the reports were to assist him in briefing lots of important expense-fiddlers in the government.

As a result of the secret stuff left in open view to the world’s media the police had to bring forward some plans for anti-terrorism raids & nicked lots of suspected naughty people in the north of the country today.

Apparently, the raids have been quite successful & ten people have been arrested.

Through the use of top secret technology, available to anyone with a zoom on their camera, 200 Weeks can exclusively reveal the content of the top secret raid plans…

February 23rd, 2009

Women Drivers

The only RTCs I ever had while driving police vehicles involved women drivers. Not that I had that many -  three in thirty years isn’t too bad. For some reason, all of them were drunk at the time.

I got rear-ended by a woman while I was sat at a junction waiting to turn right. She could not even stand when I opened her door, she’d had so much booze & drugs. She didn’t even have the good grace to give me whiplash, though my observer suffered it. I don’t know to this day how much actual pain he was in afterwards nor for how long. He got paid out some time later.

Unfortunately, none of mine were caught on CCTV. Here’s a few that were…

February 22nd, 2009

COPS (in Salem)

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

I’m currently sitting in a hotel in the north of the country spending some of my commutation before the kids go back to school. Hurray for inset days at the end of school hols!

Just a quickie today since there is a pub not 100yards from where I currently sit with a couple of pints & a 3 course meal with my name on it.

Another class episode of Cops!

BLUtube is powered by PoliceOne.com

(With a bit of luck this has appeared on the blog OK as it’s my first post from another little gadget courtesy of 30 year’s of pension payments, and a mobile phone connection.)

January 8th, 2009

Go Down, Moses

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

Time to chill out for a few minutes.

Gotta love those American Cop Shows…

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December 16th, 2008

Deep & Crisp & Even

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

DC: This interview is being tape recorded. You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do not mention, when questioned, something which you later rely on in court. Do you understand?

KW: Yes

DC: You’ve been arrested on suspicion of aiding an offender in the commission of a series of burglaries.

KW: Apparently, you’ve made a big mistake.

DC: That’s what they all say. Tell me, in your own words, what happened.

KW: Well, I was in the office with my butler, we were partaking of a glass of mulled wine, for it was bitter outside, there was a cruel frost.

DC: Go on.

KW: I was surveying the square from my window & wondering at how brightly the moon was shining when I noticed a figure in the square below. I was somewhat surprised, due to the bitter weather, that someone would be out on a night like this. I called my butler over. I asked my butler if he knew the hap[ess person out in the snow & whether he knew from which abode he had come.

DC: And did he?

KW: Well, as luck would have it, my man did know the chappie – I believe you already have him in custody on some trumped up burglary charge – I was advised that he was a working class fellar from some distance away, I believe he lives next to St Agnes’ Fountain.

DC: And what did this man appear to be doing?

KW: Well, he was going round the square trying to collect fuel for his fire at home. I don’t believe he has much money & his meter had run out.

DC: And you did what?

KW: Well, by the look of him I thought he could do with a good hot meal in his stomach.  I ordered my butler to bring some meat & wine & some logs and we would take them out into the square to give the chap a feast, after all, it is Christmas.

DC: And?

KW: We gathered the items together and set forth across the square. We hadn’t gone too far when my butler started complaining about the weather. It was much darker and the wind was blowing an awful gale. He didn’t feel he could continue. I told him to buck his ideas up and follow my footsteps and he wouldn’t feel so cold. So we continued to the man, set the pine logs down to create a fire, roasted the flesh & drank the wine.

DC: I see, and I suppose the man was so grateful he gave you the contents of a sack he was carrying which happened to contain several sets of silver candlesticks, various items of jewelery & some unwrapped Christmas presents?

KW: Er, yes. A good deed for a good deed, if you will.

DC: Bollocks. The whole story is bollocks. Gathering winter fuel? According to my information, this chap lives a good league hence, which, according to Google is about 3 miles.

KW: Probably…

DC: And we already know that he lives by St Agnes Fountain, which happens to be next to the forest fence.

KW: Er, yes.

DC: So, Mr Wenceslas, if he lives next to the bloody forest, why is he walking 3 miles in the worst winter night this year into the town square which, last time I looked, contained 2 cherry trees and a rotten bush? He has all the winter fuel he could possibly need right outside his own front door?

KW: Hmmm, I never thought of that.

DC: And, you may have noticed that the snow was deep & crips and even?

KW: Yes. it certainly was, hence my concern for his welfare.

DC: Well, you may also have noticed the footprints dinted in the snow which led to every back door in the square. Each house broken into in turn and all the stolen goodies miraculously appear in your office. And as for a so called butler, we’ve checked the employment records, viewed all the CCTV which covers your castle & used various other powers conferred upon us by the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act & none such person ever existed, did they?

KW: Er…

DC: And you took some pine logs out into the bitter night to set up a fire and cook him a meal? In all that fucking snow? Do me a  favour, you have the biggest kitchen in the town. Why not just invite him in & shove a sausage on the grill?

KW: Oh dear…. would now be a good time to ask for a solicitor?

December 13th, 2008

Deck the Halls

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

This is a continuation of a little series I did this time last year.

Deck the Halls

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, fa la la la,
‘Tis the season to get trolleyed
Fa la la la la, fa la la la.
Knock it back like no tomorrow
Fa la la, fa la la, la la la
Just get pissed don’t count the sorrow.
Fa la la la la, fa la la la.

See the toilet bowl before us
Fa la la la la, fa la la la,
Chicken curry means a sore arse,
Fa la la la la, fa la la la.
On the street just puke, don’t fess up,
Fa la la, fa la la, la la la,
Someone else will clear the mess up,
Fa la la la la, fa la la la.

Fast away the old year passes,
Fa la la la la, fa la la la,
Punch the lads & shag the lasses,
Fa la la la la, fa la la la.
Don’t go out without a johnny
Fa la la, fa la la, la la la
STDs just are not funny,
Fa la la la la, fa la la la.

December 1st, 2008

Those leaked arrest details in full

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

The world of politics was thrown into confusion & uproar today when information about a recent police operation was leaked.

It was alleged that a certain individual has, for many years, been receiving ostensibly secret information from a number of sources & acting on that information.

Details remain sketchy but my sources reveal that a high-level male was arrested earlier this week & taken to the Metropolitan Police’s top security custody suite at a secret location in London. Nine officers from the anti-terrorist squad attended a location in the North to make the arrest which involved a search of the male’s private quarters & a number of workshops situated behind massive security facilities on his property.

Jack Shit, Opposition Spokesman on Home Affairs said “This is outrageous, since time immemorial, we have relied on the passing of information at this time of year, it’s both in the public interest and the interests of almost every decent family in the country. I shall be demanding to know who form the government sanctioned this operation.”

Few details are known about the male said to have received the information, but it is understood that details were passed to him in a series of letters. He is being referred to, among police circles simply as “Mr S”.

Home Secretary Jacqui Spliff said “I deny knowing anything about anything. The police acted on their own volition after I told them to sort it out, I mean, I didn’t tell them to arrest Mr S, if indeed, that is who they arrested, on my instructions.”

A male was seen leaving Paddington Green police station by the back door, covered by a blanket. He was described as a ‘rotund gentleman’ & was wearing a red suit.

A spokesperson for David Cameroon said “Every year, millions of citizens send information via various routes to a completely made up address which doesn’t even exist. If this information was not leaked, how the fuck would Santa find out what the kids want, if indeed the person arrested was Father Christmas, which of course, it wasn’t.”

In a leaked email to the acting head of the Metropolitan Police, Treasury Spokesman Alistair Useless said “For fuck’s sake get him out by the 24th or the economy is going down the pan, if it hasn’t already. Which of course it hasn’t. Possibly.”

November 12th, 2008

Shattered Dreams

I don’t actually remember my first day in the job. I think it involved attending HQ & getting kitted out with uniform. I know we took the oath but I’m not sure if that was the first day or in the first few days.

Anyway, after a week or two we packed off to training school for ten weeks. Residential. I was never fitter in my life as when I came back from training school, I stayed at training school at the weekends whilst most people went home. We had nothing to do but sport & fitness work.

I do remember my first day at my designated police station. I was the total newb. I probably looked out of place because I was the smartest, the bull on the boots was still fresh & the creases on my shirt were unlike every one else on the shift. I was also the youngest.

I had such high expectations & ideals. Here I was a member of the most exclusive club in the world – so I was told – looking forward to doing my part to help, serve & protect.

My illusions were soon shattered as soon as I went for my first pee.

I pulled up at the urinal in the police station & the first thing I noticed was that there were bogeys on the wall and grafitti in black biro all over the place. I had to check I hadn’t stumbled into the pub across the road from the nick by mistake.

Graffiti & bogeys on the wall? At a police station? Done by Police officers? My disenchantment with being a police officer wasn’t to be negated over the next 30 years.

June 28th, 2008

Those Missing Data Scapegoats in Full

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

It was announced today, following a lengthy investigation, that the real culprits for all the missing & lost government data have finally been identified.

A report released by the Home Office concludes that there was no fault with any staff from HM Customs & Revenue & that all other departments & individuals have been exonerated.

Harvey Bolox, spokesperson for the Ministry of Wool Pulling, said, "I can announce that following a long, lengthy and thorough enquiry ,there have been no systemic failures in security protocols by any government department. Nobody has done anything wrong."

The investigation into several cases of missing CDs, data records, military secrets, Al Qaeda intelligence & government laptops coincided with the release of hitherto classified information on UFO sightings throughout the last 50 years.

Norman Beardy-Bloke, chairperson of Unidentified Flying Objects – Twickenham Investigation Team, said, "We have been banging on about the release of this information for bloody ages & now it looks as if we have been right all along. All those nights laying in fields & staring at the skies have not been in vain. It’s only with pressure from groups such as UFO-TIT that evidence of visitors from other planets has finally entered the public consciousness."

The literally thousands of records provide shocking details of ‘close encounters’ with extra-terrestrials in the UK throughout modern history.

One report stamped "Top Secret – to be read on public buses only" dated 2008, quotes an un-named civil servant, "…There we were in the office shredding parliamentary expense claim forms when all of a sudden the lights dimmed & all the computers stopped working. We were then bathed in a bright, aetherial ray of light from up on high & everything went calm & quiet. When I woke up some 2 hours later all my top secret CDs were missing & someone had implanted a microscopic electronic chip in my arse."

In another report to the Ministry of Defence UFO Investigations Branch one Lt-Colonel Harry Knobber writes "Sirs, on the evening in question I was travelling by public transport to a top secret meeting when, out of the left-hand window of our carriage I saw 12 orangey-glowing orbs circling our train. My fellow travelling companions & I, as one, had a compelling urge to build scale models of Ben Nevis with  our British Rail sausages & mash & when I looked around my anti-terror portfolio had vanished."

A Home Office spokeswoman said that the fact that the UFO documents have been released into the public domain at the same time that people were calling for scapegoats for the missing data debacle(s) was "purely coincidental".

May 8th, 2008

Banned

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

In a Home Office memo leaked to the Sunday Spurt, Home Secretary, Jacqui Spliff said that the government should not rest on its laurels and needs to ban something.

"Over the course of the last 11 years we have a steadfast tradition of banning things. It has come to my notice that we haven’t banned anything for 6 weeks, this is intolerable & we must not allow it to continue. My department will be recommending the outlawing of something with immediate effect. Should other departments fail to come on board with this one, we risk failing to meet our own targets for banning things."

The memo, in the guise of a series of emails between labour Party big-wigs, came to light when a print-out of the contents was found discarded with a pile of used condoms and the contents of the national insurance database in the back garden of South Shields resident, Jack Knob.

"I divvent beleeve it, like," said Jack, "Ah mean, fookin’ porsonal details ah can oonerstand, wah foond  aal the toon’s driving licence noomers roon’ th’ back o’ wor Sindy’s bus shelter joos last week. Ah can handle that, but fookin’ used condom’s? in me back garden?"

Home Office minister Tony McKnobber is seen to reply to the Home Secretary’s initial email seeking further calrification.

"Dear Lady Spliff, whist I can sympathise with the general tenor of your last document, I fail to see what more we can be doing, we have banned almost everything, smacking, smoking, guns, dogs, hunting, to name but a few. what more is there left?"

There have been rumours that the Department of Banning Things has been severely underworked in recent months. A spokeswoman, who wished to remain anonymous, but is in fact Sarah Higgins-Numpty, said "things have been really desperate round here of late. Up until the first quarter of 2008, we were banning things left, right & centre, we haven’t banned anything for nearly five and a half weeks, things are really slack in the office right now, we’re running out of old copies of Heat, Soap & Vanity Fair."

Conservative spokesman, David Tosser suggested a way out of the current dilemma. "When the government relaxed the laws on cannabis, we members of the Tory party said there was an ulterior motive & now the government’s chickens are coming home to roost. The government are so shallow that having un-banned cannabis they will probably re-ban it again soon."

Prime Minister Gordon Pointless said this was "absolute rubbish, we made our decision on cannabis some time ago and would not change our minds for something as simple as votes."

 

February 23rd, 2008

Time for a new law

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

As news of a another teenage suicide in Wales broke, the government has announced it is time for a new law.

The amount of teenage suicides in one county is now well into double figures, eclipsing the average 2-3 in the past few years,. The majority have hanged themselves.

I fully expect that a committee in Westminster has been convened to ‘do something’. It’s probably called the Do Something Committee & is made up of government ministers who don’t know their arse from their elbow (that’ll be most of them, then) who understand that the only way to tackle anything is to bring in a new law. These new laws do absolutely nothing to solve anything, usually limit the once enjoyed freedoms of the majority of law-abiding folk, but they don’t half look good in the pages of Hansard & on government propaganda.

I expect the new law to tackle the growing problem of teenage suicide will be something along the lines of "The Sale of Rope & Related Items Act 2008". This will make it an offence for any person to sell, buy, possess or otherwise come into contact with rope. This will have an immediate effect that teenagers will no longer be able to hang themselves & will show that the government is prepared to to take serious action to deal with serious problems. Ropemakers will, unfortunately, have to look for another job & anyone who uses rope will need to source alternative materials.

The sale of string will be licensed and nobody under the age of 40 & over the age of 55 will be able to buy string. It will also be an offence to purchase string on behalf of another, which will stop teenagers ‘hanging’  around outside office supplies shops badgering adults to get them "a couple of meters of white" illicitly.

The sale of cotton will be limited in the same way as the sale of headache tablets. You will not be able to buy more than two reels of cotton at a time in case you are tempted to weave the cotton into a length of string and then turn lengths of string into small rope capable of supporting the weight of the average teenager (18 & a half stone). 

This new law will, of course, solve nothing, but it will show we have a government prepared to act. 

 

 

January 21st, 2008

Data Retention Blunder

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

In a shock statement tonight the Home Office announced that absolutely no-one has been able to find out the name, date of birth,  bank account details and inside leg measurement of over 3 people in Accrington Stanley.

Head of Public Disclosure for Keeper of Records, Josiah Freebie said, "We are shocked and appalled that such widely available data as a person’s personal information has not been released to anyone, anywhere. We have strict policies & procedures which ensure that all secret information is released to as wide an audience as possible and sadly, on this occasion, procedures failed."

Freebie explained that the blunder which kept several people’s information secret was a one-in-a-million mistake. "We would normally dump our computers at council tips making sure they still contained all the secret data, this is done by fish-wives and neighbourhood watch co-ordinators so that if the computers are not located straight away, the information will be spread by word-of-mouth within a day or two anyway. Failing that we leave all department laptops in view in unlocked vehicles. We also make several hundred copies of everything and send it all over the world to email addresses chosen at random by a monkey. Failing those proecdures we have a fail-safe where Miss Jones from typing will photocopy everything and chuck it out the window of her Citreon Saxo on the way home."

Explaining how the personal information of several residents has remained secret and not released to anyone who wanted it, the Data Protection Registrar, Plankton Worsthorp said "It appears that some idiot encrypted the data using a shareware programme from the Internet. This was a clear breach of our guidelines and to exacerbate matters, they then stored the information on a security-hardened computer system to which only the Queen has access. The fact that it was then kept in a dark room at a top secret nuclear bunker only served to make matters worse. Clearly, the colour of underpants worn by Mr A. G. Greenhouse and his neighbours should have been released into the public domain almost as soon as it was known and for that we apologise."

The Home Secretary, Jacqui Spliff’s Press & PR secretary said, "Ms Spliff is well aware of the security retention issues but was unable to do anything about it due to being otherwise engaged on minisiterial matters at the El Greco Kebab House Take Away Food Emporium".

December 22nd, 2007

Christmas Cheer 3

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

I’m on a roll now….

To the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"

 

God rest ye merry gentlemen and ladies of the blue,

Parliament will support you no matter what you do,

They’ll take away your hard earned cash it’s just a pile of poo,

Oh tidings of bullshit and spin, bullshit and spin, Oh tidings of bullshit and spin. 

 

The government is guaranteed to realise your fears,

They removed our allowances we gained throughout the years,

If they take much more away we’ll all end up in tears,

Oh tidings of bullshit and spin, bullshit and spin, Oh tidings of bullshit and spin.

 

So sign up to the mandates all you within this place,

Detections and diversity each person should embrace,

If you appeal from what you’re giv’n you will not have a case,

Oh tidings of bullshit and spin, bullshit and spin, Oh tidings of bullshit and spin.

 

December 21st, 2007

Christmas Cheer 2

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

For the overwhelming response to my last creative opus, you can have another.

To be sung to the tune of "Away in a Manger"

 

Away with the fairies the Home Sec. must be,

If she thinks her plans are all hunky dory,

Our payrise decreases and it’s no surprise,

That whilst ours go down the MPs’ wages rise.

 

The job is not easy this year twelve have died,

With thousands more injured we’re hurting inside,

We just need a sign that you really do care,

We don’t ask for much we just want what is fair.

 

Be near me my credit card I ask thee to stay

Under my limit for just one more day,

No pressies for children’s what the Home Office did

When they didn’t give me my two hundred quid.

 

 

December 20th, 2007

Christmas Cheer

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

Herewith I present for your seasonal delictation a new Christmas carol

(to be sung to the tune of "O Little Town of Bethlehem")

O little town of Westminster
How oft’ we see thee lie
You enter in to all the spin
The truth passes you by
Yet in the dark streets shineth
The everlasting light
Of police who risk their livelihoods
Whilst you don’t give a shite

How miselry, how miserly
the Secretary called Home
on Christmas Night down a dark street
I hope you aren’t alone
For you have hurt us sorely
With 1.9 per cent
No Christmas gifts for kiddies
We can’t afford the rent

O holy place of Parliament
Agree with us we pray
Cast out your sin & enter in
to your promise to pay
We hear the Christmas angels
Who tell us to get stuffed
Your tactics are so underhand
We’ve really had enough