October 26th, 2008

We’re all Criminals now

Posted in Other Stuff by 200

Do criminals ever feel like criminals?

I ask this because people often say they feel like criminals when they’ve done nothing wrong. I have a certain sympathy for this view. Standing in the queue at Tesco this morning I was behind the lady being served. She put her bank card into the little payment machine thingy & then covered up the whole keypad with her purse to such an extent that she couldn’t see the keys, she proceeded to tap in the PIN by feel, or memory, or some second sight.

I suddenly felt all indignant, like, why are you doing that, I have absolutely no interest in your PIN; I felt like a criminal, people needed protection from me stealing their credit card details.

Of course, a lot of people, myself included, feel guilty when going through Customs. Whenever I go through the ‘nothing to declare’ channel I feel like I’m being watched. I suppose this is natural, after all, I am being watched. But I feel guilty & I know the Customs Officers can feel my discomfort & this makes them more likely to stop me & go through all my unmentionables, which will cause even more consternation & embarrassment.

Whenever I pay for something at the shops with cash, am I the only one to feel like a criminal when the assistant takes my hard-earned spondoolicks & proceeds to hold them up to the light to check for Her Majesty & the silver strip? You mean you think I might have just taken that off my money printing machine at home or need to launder twenty quid through the same Asda checkout I’ve been using for years?

I don;t visit the doctor much but I do feel agreived trying to get my case past the secret police on reception. I’m made to feel like a bloody criminal because I’m ill. “You do realise the doctor is very busy?”

“Yes, I’m so sorry but if you could tell me how to retrieve my bollocks from the mincing machine, reconstitute them & attach them back to my scrotum I’ll not take any of the good doctor’s time.”

I think we should get our own back. Next time you go to the bank for some cash, make sure you carefully & deliberately check every single individual note by holding it up to the nearest light & when you’ve done that make out you’re not quite convinced it’s genuine, tear the top of each note near the silver strip, draw across it with a UV pen & then examine it under a handy pocket-sized microscope you just happen to have in your pocket.

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