May 10th, 2006

No Evidence of E.T.

Posted in Not the Job by 200
Britain’s defence intelligence chiefs have, this week, published the findings of their four-year investigation into the mystery of alien intelligence.

Their detailed research concludes that “almost 100 per cent” of sightings can be explained by purely “natural phenomena”. The document is emphatic that reported “evidence” is not down to alien civilisations or hostile powers but it fails to dismiss those who claim such evidence as fantasists or hoaxers.

Professor Colin Cockaleakey, acting head of the Portondown Investigative Scientific Service Office (PISS-Off) said, “After four years of evidence gathering & evaluation we are able to conclusively show that there is no evidence whatsoever of any sentient intelligent beings within the Home Office”

“Sightings of such phenomena as bloated, gaseous objects around the corridors of Whitehall & then disappearing without trace can easily be attributed to a phenomena known as ‘Charles Clarke’.

The report contains particularly damning claims that decisions coming from the Home Office which start off with little or no merit can, by the time they have gone through the Home Secretary, government spin offices, well-chosen newspapers & the BBC actually end up as if a modicum of intelligence was used somewhere in the process.

“This is demonstrably false,” said Prof. Cockasnook, “careful forensic examination reveals in almost every case the complete lack of thought which goes into these ideas.”

The 620 page report, costing some £6.2million, shows how ordinary people can be fooled into thinking that such things as force amalgamations, government control of the police & the slavish acceptance of political correctness are proof of government intelligence.

It cites the case of labourer Jock McTatt, subject of the recent Speilberg film “If bullshit had Wings”. McTatt famously described walking along Auchtermuchty High Street when he was plucked from the crowds by an unseen force in grey ‘suits’. “One minute I was preparing to look up women’s dresses using a camera I got off eBay, the next I was in this strange room with weird, powerful lights, surrounded by talking heads sending me subliminal messages of such wonderment & blinding brilliance I was completely blown away. I later awoke with absolutely no memory of the previous 2 hours.

PISS-Off concluded that McTatt had not been abducted by aliens but had simply been in the audience of BBC’s ‘Question Time’.

Professor Cockaleg concluded, “Whilst government ministers using their brains is or should be an expected norm to any and all tax-payers, it should be consigned to the quaint old tradition it once was. One only has to look to John Prescott to realise that ministers are more used to using other parts of their bodies, such as their dicks, rather than their brains.”

Professor Cockahoop is very rich (now).

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