April 28th, 2006


Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

This is the story of police officers not helping you because they have other things to do….this is the story of bigotry & bitterness at the heart of the police….this is the story of police officers on the take…. this is the story of a police force which fails to help victims of entrapment…this is the story of incompetence both within & without Britain’s police stations… and these are the people who weren’t quite as gullible as the police believed….”

In this month’s edition of Dispatches we reveal how senior British police officers can be easily fooled into employing money-grabbing bigots within their ranks as Nina Hobson gets a job with the boys & girls in blue, despite previous warnings about her true nature.

We capture on film evidence of police officers who should be patrolling the streets protecting innocent members of the public when they shut themselves away from their duty to talk in a rambling fashion to police station toilet mirrors.

We show for the first time footage of police officers so incompetent that they cannot even be trusted to put on their epaulettes the right way round.

In one horrifying scene one police officer is seen entrapping people into her own home for her own perverted means. One person is stunned when she reveals, on her mobile phone, the massive sum of money awaiting her at the end of her tour of duty.

We reveal how police officers so intent on achieving a conviction ignore rules of evidence,  use innuendo and opinion in order to stitch up silly men in an effort to increase government (viewing) figures.

Several scenes show in graphic details police officers ignoring clear breaches of discipline code and failing to challenge inappropriate behaviour, laughing at inappropriate comments and turning blind eyes to poor personal ethics. In some scenes certain officers even attempt to illicit information which will later be used to hang, draw & quarter these same people.

We see deception on a grand scale as privileged officers earning more than 3 times the annual salary of other hard-working police in less than a third of the time it takes those officers to earn an annual wage,
turn out work of such shoddy, meaningless, & downright bloody awful quality that the file wouldn’t make it through the most junior CPS lawyer’s in-tray. 

Officers take money from a respectable film company and over a 4-month evidence gathering undercover operation fail to come up with anything more than a few minutes of dodgy, blurred film where no criminals can be identified due to markings on the camera lens blurring their faces.

“It was a schoolboy error and not something I’d expect from a £70,000 a programme police investigator” said Sue Drop-case, senior Crown Prosecution lawyer for Rutlandshire Borough Council. “I took one look at the file, laughed, put the officer on hold for 3 hours and cut him off saying ‘but officer, where’s the evidence?'”

Dennis Arse-Talker, emeritus professor of talking bollox said; “This really won’t do. In the 2.6 seconds of footage I stayed awake for I witnessed endemic back-stabbing on a grand scale. We employ our police to
be the forbears of truth, honesty & justice, I saw none of that before I fell asleep again, truly appalling…. snore”

In one scene we see a police officer leaning against a wall, tears in her eyes, so emotional about the effects of working amongst casting directors, commissioning editors and bloody awful makeup-artists that she can’t even add up; “Sixteen years…sixteen years of my life… sob, sob”. So emotionally shaken is she that she seems to forget she only actually hung around for 11 years before attempting to seek a more lucrative career elsewhere.

Following transmission of the programme Chief Constable of Rutlandshire, Algenon Acquiescer QPM & bar said. “What we witnessed today was truly awful. The standards of some officers fell well below what we expect in the fine county Rutlandshire which has a long and honourable tradition of doing whatever the government want us to do. I will personally be taking steps to see this never happens again. The officers
identified will be taken out tomorrow morning and hung from the force flag pole before being shot. Yes, I admit I haven’t seen the programme but none the less we must be seen to act and act I will. Can I be the chief of the new amalgamated super-force now, please.” Mr Acquiescer was taken drooling from the studio calling for blood.

Next week on Dispatches we take a look at how you can brighten up your life. Nina Shite presents a studio-based programme giving you the hottest tips to save money and add a sparkle into your life. How to get a  Chinese for a quid, parking fines & how to avoid them, hide & seek for adults and where to get free porn, plus – how to get a fat cheque for doing fuck-all…don’t miss it

 Officers spend hours staring into mirrors when they should be on patrol


Officers spend hours staring at themselves in mirrors when they should be on patrol

So incompetent they can’t even be trusted to put their eppaulettes on the right way round 

* when we mentioned above the term “police officers” we were actually referring to the singular “police officer“, actually the same one in all the examples given. We apologise if we have given the impression that all police officers are as appalling as Ms Hobled. 

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