March 26th, 2006

We are the Champions

Posted in The Job - Comment by 200

If you want any proof at all that the management of the police service has lost it’s way, you need look no further than a brief scan of any documents which eminate from Police HQ. 

When senior officers stopped being police officers and became ‘managers’ it was inevitable that they fell into the same ways as industry managers; talking bullshit, or management speak to give it a more polite name. Thus we no longer have ‘shift systems’ we have ‘Resource Allocation Models‘ in which there is a ‘desired level to deliver core & non-core business‘. Thjese are, of course, ‘demand modelled VSAs (variable shift arrangements). They should be investigated using a ‘balanced scorecard approach‘ and there must be a ‘supply-demand match’ having taken into account the ‘Health & Safety Fatigue Index‘.. You’d have thought with all the courses they must have been on to learn those big words they’d be able to come up with a shift system that was any good. But it’s good to know that we now have a ‘tidal shift pattern‘.

Apparently, rather than telling someone they’ve either done well or need to pull up their boots we now need to ‘quality assure the PDR activity, inform the Succession Management process & identify development needs’. I always found a good kick up the arse did more good.

We don’t have probationers any more, we have ‘student officers‘. We don’t advise the local council what we’re doing, we consult our ‘stakeholder partnerships’. And whatever the hell we do with an ‘integrated competency framework’ I have not the faintest clue.

Another one which cropped up recently was ‘market plussage‘. No I don’t know either but I’m led to believe it has something to do with overtime.

We have whole departments whose job it is to come up with new policies and procedures. The people who lead the way on whatever new waste of time they come up with is not a project leader but is the ‘force champion‘. That always strikes me as strange since I don’t think they’ve actually won anything, unless it’s the inter-divisional talking bollocks championships.

I’d prefer to see more impetus on catching criminals but sadly I don’t know what they call it these days. 



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