June 28th, 2008

Those Missing Data Scapegoats in Full

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

It was announced today, following a lengthy investigation, that the real culprits for all the missing & lost government data have finally been identified.

A report released by the Home Office concludes that there was no fault with any staff from HM Customs & Revenue & that all other departments & individuals have been exonerated.

Harvey Bolox, spokesperson for the Ministry of Wool Pulling, said, "I can announce that following a long, lengthy and thorough enquiry ,there have been no systemic failures in security protocols by any government department. Nobody has done anything wrong."

The investigation into several cases of missing CDs, data records, military secrets, Al Qaeda intelligence & government laptops coincided with the release of hitherto classified information on UFO sightings throughout the last 50 years.

Norman Beardy-Bloke, chairperson of Unidentified Flying Objects – Twickenham Investigation Team, said, "We have been banging on about the release of this information for bloody ages & now it looks as if we have been right all along. All those nights laying in fields & staring at the skies have not been in vain. It’s only with pressure from groups such as UFO-TIT that evidence of visitors from other planets has finally entered the public consciousness."

The literally thousands of records provide shocking details of ‘close encounters’ with extra-terrestrials in the UK throughout modern history.

One report stamped "Top Secret – to be read on public buses only" dated 2008, quotes an un-named civil servant, "…There we were in the office shredding parliamentary expense claim forms when all of a sudden the lights dimmed & all the computers stopped working. We were then bathed in a bright, aetherial ray of light from up on high & everything went calm & quiet. When I woke up some 2 hours later all my top secret CDs were missing & someone had implanted a microscopic electronic chip in my arse."

In another report to the Ministry of Defence UFO Investigations Branch one Lt-Colonel Harry Knobber writes "Sirs, on the evening in question I was travelling by public transport to a top secret meeting when, out of the left-hand window of our carriage I saw 12 orangey-glowing orbs circling our train. My fellow travelling companions & I, as one, had a compelling urge to build scale models of Ben Nevis with  our British Rail sausages & mash & when I looked around my anti-terror portfolio had vanished."

A Home Office spokeswoman said that the fact that the UFO documents have been released into the public domain at the same time that people were calling for scapegoats for the missing data debacle(s) was "purely coincidental".

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