May 5th, 2012

Extracts from letters written by council tenants

Posted in Other Stuff by 200

apparently…

1. It’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

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7 comments

  1. Alpha Tango says:

    Hilarious :)

    May 6th, 2012 at 08:31

  2. h2621563 says:

    More please ???

    May 6th, 2012 at 13:53

  3. paraplegic says:

    quality – bloody hilarious

    May 6th, 2012 at 18:17

  4. bill says:

    Thanks, 200.

    That was brilliant !

    May 6th, 2012 at 20:38

  5. jaded says:

    Nice of a nutter to drop in.And he speaks for the whole of the public as well.What a privilege to have him on board.

    May 6th, 2012 at 20:53

  6. Ian says:

    Quotations from Aussie flight engineers reports (Dare you fly Quantas???)

    (I believe this has been going around the online community for some time):

    After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

    By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

    (P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
    (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

    P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That’s what they’re there for.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you’re right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midg

    May 9th, 2012 at 22:02

  7. Ian says:

    WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
    For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
    We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack
    Schitt’!
    Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
    intellectual way.
    Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
    fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
    Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
    In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
    produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
    Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
    Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
    high school dropout.
    After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
    Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were
    living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then
    known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
    Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
    with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the
    other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable
    throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a
    dual ceremony.
    The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
    nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
    Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
    He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa
    Schitt.
    Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt’, you can correct
    them.
    Sincerely,
    Crock O. Schitt
    Pass them on 200 weeks

    May 9th, 2012 at 22:06

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