May 17th, 2008

Hymns & Arias

Posted in The Job - General by 200

I reckon the guv’nors dread it when they get the call to say Her majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary is coming to call. 

It must be the same for head teachers & school governors when they learn they’re next in line for an Ofsted check.

If you’re really lucky the HMI will pick your department to come & inspect. I have no idea what they do when they ‘inspect’ other than inspect a lot of things & some time later write a report saying how bad we’re doing. Sometimes the HMI will want to see lowly PCs which must strike fear into the hearts of chief inspectors & superintendents. HMICs must know this. They must also know that if they want views free from management speak & corporate indoctrination, they will only get it from those with nothing to lose.

The HMI came to our force. Some of us on the shift  were to be granted an audience the him, whether we wanted one or not.

Names were duly picked & on the morning of the visit the chief inspector came down to see the shift inspector. I’m told the conversation went something like this:

C/Insp: "Ok Inspector, everything sorted for the HMI’s visit this afternoon?"

Insp: "Yes, sir."

C/Insp: "I take it you’ve ‘specially selected’ the officers to see him?"

Insp: "No, sir, we did it completely ramdomly by drawing names out of a helmet."

At this point the chief inspector gulps & the blood slowly starts to drain from his face.

C/Insp: "I take it then that those officers have been properly coached?"

Insp: "Coached, sir?"

C/Insp: "So we’re all singing from the same hymn sheet."

Insp: "No sir, not at all, if the HMI ants to speak to officers who have been told what to say he can speak with the divisional management team."

The chief inspector, now white was last seen locking himself in an office.

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