March 27th, 2012

Essex Hurricane Appeal

Posted in Other Stuff by 200

A major hurricane (Hurricane ‘Shazza’) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “Faaackinell”.

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage.  Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.  My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Jade-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning”.

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine.
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut… “Where are you bleeding from?” they asked,
“Romford” said the girl, “woss that gotta do wiv you?”

Please don’t forward this to anyone living in Essex – oh, sod it, they won’t be able to read it, anyway.

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5 comments

  1. Barry says:

    Do you mind, I live in Basildon and I would like to say we aren’t all like that, I have never owned a Burberry baseball cap. Basildon does seem to have some how gained the reputation of the chav capital of the world but I believe most of us are quite normal, respectable people. Though I must admit I despair sometimes when I walk around the town centre and see some people walking around with jeans slung so low I am surprised that they don’t get done for gross indecency. Also I hear how some people talk and I think “I hope I don’t sound like that”.

    Oh and by the way we don’t have a Ratners in Basildon all the cheap, tacky jewelery comes from Argos. :-)

    March 28th, 2012 at 06:40

  2. Xam says:

    Super Article with a big finish !!

    The old ones are always the best

    March 28th, 2012 at 13:06

  3. Asitis says:

    Nice one 200. I scored with a bird from Essex once. I asked what we should use for protection. She replied “a bus shelter”.

    March 28th, 2012 at 20:50

  4. Moppy says:

    Many years ago I worked in the City with a lad from South Essex. He frequently insisted that we should go to Basildon one night as “If you cant pull in Basildon you are dead” After a while we had had enough, and took him up on his offer. We entered a pub and got talking to a few young ladies, when asked what people did in Basildon one replied “There’s only two fings to do in Basildon, we drink and f@ck.”!

    I can honestly say I have not been back, nor did we check to see if she was right.

    Just realised, that was 35 years ago

    March 28th, 2012 at 21:02

  5. Tony F says:

    I just widdled myself..:-)

    March 29th, 2012 at 16:40

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