May 8th, 2008

Banned

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

In a Home Office memo leaked to the Sunday Spurt, Home Secretary, Jacqui Spliff said that the government should not rest on its laurels and needs to ban something.

"Over the course of the last 11 years we have a steadfast tradition of banning things. It has come to my notice that we haven’t banned anything for 6 weeks, this is intolerable & we must not allow it to continue. My department will be recommending the outlawing of something with immediate effect. Should other departments fail to come on board with this one, we risk failing to meet our own targets for banning things."

The memo, in the guise of a series of emails between labour Party big-wigs, came to light when a print-out of the contents was found discarded with a pile of used condoms and the contents of the national insurance database in the back garden of South Shields resident, Jack Knob.

"I divvent beleeve it, like," said Jack, "Ah mean, fookin’ porsonal details ah can oonerstand, wah foond  aal the toon’s driving licence noomers roon’ th’ back o’ wor Sindy’s bus shelter joos last week. Ah can handle that, but fookin’ used condom’s? in me back garden?"

Home Office minister Tony McKnobber is seen to reply to the Home Secretary’s initial email seeking further calrification.

"Dear Lady Spliff, whist I can sympathise with the general tenor of your last document, I fail to see what more we can be doing, we have banned almost everything, smacking, smoking, guns, dogs, hunting, to name but a few. what more is there left?"

There have been rumours that the Department of Banning Things has been severely underworked in recent months. A spokeswoman, who wished to remain anonymous, but is in fact Sarah Higgins-Numpty, said "things have been really desperate round here of late. Up until the first quarter of 2008, we were banning things left, right & centre, we haven’t banned anything for nearly five and a half weeks, things are really slack in the office right now, we’re running out of old copies of Heat, Soap & Vanity Fair."

Conservative spokesman, David Tosser suggested a way out of the current dilemma. "When the government relaxed the laws on cannabis, we members of the Tory party said there was an ulterior motive & now the government’s chickens are coming home to roost. The government are so shallow that having un-banned cannabis they will probably re-ban it again soon."

Prime Minister Gordon Pointless said this was "absolute rubbish, we made our decision on cannabis some time ago and would not change our minds for something as simple as votes."

 

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One comment

  1. Grumpy Old Biker says:

    Ah ha! I see that happy-go-fucky chef, Gordon Ramsbollocks has come to the rescue….
    “Out of season fruit and veg must be outlawed and perpetrators should be fined”, he has apparently instructed Gordon Somebody-or-other.

    Bugger, I was planning on buying my wife a greenhouse for her birthday.

    May 9th, 2008 at 09:01

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