March 1st, 2008

Earthquake Appeal

Posted in Not the Job by 200

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of last night. Epicentre: Basildon, Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fackin ‘ell" and "whattacant" The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30.00 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementoes from the Balearics, Spanish Costas and Romford market were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.

Essex FM News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came runnin’ into my bedroom cryin’. My younges’ two, Ashley ‘n’ Brooklyn, slep’ froo it all. I was still shakin’ when I was watchin’ Kilroy the next mornin’." Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. Rescue workers found one girl in the rubble smothered in claret [slang for blood]; "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked her. "Bleedin’ Romford," said the girl "woss that gotta do with it?"

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Pepsi max to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.


This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), shell suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Matalan. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and cans of Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms,
2.00 Pounds buys chips, crisps and Tango drinks for a family of 9,
5.00 pounds will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Please do not send tents for shelter,as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas of Vange, Pitsea and Laindon.

PS: I stole this…..

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  1. Emma says:

    Ooo I got this one the other day about our area I might just publish it too, slight variations of the above though a packet of L&M’s costs £2.00 quid round here, B&H are far too posh..xx

    March 1st, 2008 at 11:28

  2. Bev and Lucy says:

    You may have borrowed it from elsewhere but it made me laugh all the same! Have come across many of this type in my time, usually in hospital ……. and nowhere near to Basildon.

    March 1st, 2008 at 12:56

  3. blueknight says:

    A similar harrowing incident happened in my area when the local BP Garage shop closed for renovation. The situation became desperate with up to 10,000 chavs on the point of starvation.
    A Band Aid type concert was held at the local rec and enough money was stumped up to send a transit van to a nearby town to collect the rations, – two dozen cases of Sunny D and 10 trolley loads of Monster Munch….

    March 2nd, 2008 at 21:10

  4. kojak says:

    Hey, How can I help from the States?

    March 2nd, 2008 at 21:31

  5. Collectibles says:

    Today Hectic situation happens to all of us, never mind which countries that we are inn. Such this kind of natural calamities or incidents would took place on every corners.

    March 6th, 2008 at 06:03

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