In a shock statement tonight the Home Office announced that absolutely no-one has been able to find out the name, date of birth, bank account details and inside leg measurement of over 3 people in Accrington Stanley.
Head of Public Disclosure for Keeper of Records, Josiah Freebie said, "We are shocked and appalled that such widely available data as a person’s personal information has not been released to anyone, anywhere. We have strict policies & procedures which ensure that all secret information is released to as wide an audience as possible and sadly, on this occasion, procedures failed."
Freebie explained that the blunder which kept several people’s information secret was a one-in-a-million mistake. "We would normally dump our computers at council tips making sure they still contained all the secret data, this is done by fish-wives and neighbourhood watch co-ordinators so that if the computers are not located straight away, the information will be spread by word-of-mouth within a day or two anyway. Failing that we leave all department laptops in view in unlocked vehicles. We also make several hundred copies of everything and send it all over the world to email addresses chosen at random by a monkey. Failing those proecdures we have a fail-safe where Miss Jones from typing will photocopy everything and chuck it out the window of her Citreon Saxo on the way home."
Explaining how the personal information of several residents has remained secret and not released to anyone who wanted it, the Data Protection Registrar, Plankton Worsthorp said "It appears that some idiot encrypted the data using a shareware programme from the Internet. This was a clear breach of our guidelines and to exacerbate matters, they then stored the information on a security-hardened computer system to which only the Queen has access. The fact that it was then kept in a dark room at a top secret nuclear bunker only served to make matters worse. Clearly, the colour of underpants worn by Mr A. G. Greenhouse and his neighbours should have been released into the public domain almost as soon as it was known and for that we apologise."
The Home Secretary, Jacqui Spliff’s Press & PR secretary said, "Ms Spliff is well aware of the security retention issues but was unable to do anything about it due to being otherwise engaged on minisiterial matters at the El Greco Kebab House Take Away Food Emporium".