In a shock statement today, the Home Secretary announced that sensitive data stored on two CDs had gone missing from the Home Office.
An ashen-faced Jackie Pointless said that the data discs had disappeared whilst being transferred from the Tick-boxer’s Office at Whitehall to another Tick-boxer’s office down the road, turn left & 3 doors down from the kebab shop.
Ms Pointless said, "Due to an unfortunate balls-up two data discs containing the records of literally tens of crime detections have been misplaced whilst in transit between two Home Office departments.
"Under proper government protocols the data is normally taken in double-locked security storage cases strapped to the wrists of a team of 14 crack SAS killer-troops who are placed within the double strong-room inside the most secure security vehicle in the world. This vehicle is always accompanied by a full team of highly-trained security personnel, 56 police outriders, a battalion of the Ghurka Regiment, the Met Police helicopter & the Dagenham Girl Pipers. The Red Arrows provide top cover on the 254 metre journey."
Stumbling over her words at the Despatch Box the Home Secretary added, "Despite the best protocols put in place, I might add, by this government, it transpires that an office junior from the cleaning department decided to bypass the secure transport option by putting th discs in a paper aeroplane & launching them out of the Box-ticker’s window when the wind was blowing in the general directon of the kebab shop.
"To date, the aeroplane has not arrived but we are hopeful it has merely been delayed in a freak mistral."
When asked the significance of the data loss Sir Trevor Beardyman said, "The loss of this data & subsequent potential consequences to policing in this country cannot be over-estimated. For the last five years we have been making up easy detection targets so the police can hit them rather than getting the boys in blue to solve difficult crimes like burglary and that one where you point a knife at someone and filch their mobile phone thingy, whatever it’s called. These made-up detections cannot be replaced. This is five years’ work down the pan and the police must be spitting bullets."
The Prime Minister said, "Clearly the fault for this debacle lies fairly & squarely at the foot of Mrs Mopp of Rent-an-illegal-immigrant Cleaning Services who took it upon herself to circumvent our clear security protocols in order to save money when we decided not to pay anything at all towards these protocols. I have accepted the resignation of her boss Mr Ogwe Igbenukwe when he arrived at the gates of Whitehall this morning with his usual transit load of foreign chappies."
John Who-he? of the Liberal Democrats said "This is an absolute disgrace. Should this data fall into the wrong hands we would be found out for cooking the books on easy detections. Clearly the only way to recover these lost detections will be for the police to concentrate their activities on even easier offences such as stepping on the cracks in the pavement, playing out of doors after 8pm & singing in a public bar."
Jackie Pointless apologised for what she described as "an extremely serious failure on the part of someone else to protect sensitive data entrusted to it in breach of its own guidelines". She added, "Nobody will be able to access this data if it is found unless they know my password is the name of my favourite football team who lost against Arsenal this week, so that was a bummer."
Jackie Pointless is 16 1/2.