April 30th, 2010

Election Fever

Posted in Other Stuff by 200

I don’t usually do jokes for blog entries, but I’d not heard this one before & it is quite topical….

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.  His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

‘Welcome to heaven, ‘says St. Peter.’ Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we ‘ re not sure what to do with you.’

‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.

‘Well, I ‘d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’

‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the MP.

‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.  In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.  Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.  Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly, nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realises it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises….

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.  He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more and more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

‘I don’t understand, ‘stammers the MP.’ Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.  Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning…..today you voted.’

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9 comments

  1. Fee says:

    I like it.

    May 1st, 2010 at 10:40

  2. PC A Hunn says:

    Maggie Thatcher dies and goes to up before St.Peter at the Pearly gates.

    He says “Sorry Maggie but for the pain you caused the Miners and the lives lost on the Belgrano its Hell for you”.

    So Maggie goes down the slippery slide to Hades.

    Three days later St.Peter gets a phone call…

    “Peter its Lucifer here. I know that your a bit full upstairs but could you do me a massive favour?.”.

    “Well St.Nick” says Peter “I am unsure about how the Boss would feel about me doing YOU a favour. Even though he is all forgiving and that”.

    “Go on” says Lucifer “just this once for an old pall. Iam having terrible bother down here there is a massive backlog of Souls these last few days”.

    “OK”. Says St.Peter. “whats the favour?”.

    “could you take Maggie back upstairs?”.

    “Maggie?. Whats she the problem?”.

    “Well” says Lucifer. “she’s been here three days and she shut four furnaces down already!!”.

    May 1st, 2010 at 13:41

  3. Jimbo Jones says:

    I had a retired officer tell me the same joke a couple of days ago over the phone. Made me laugh then and made me laugh now.

    May 1st, 2010 at 14:38

  4. Tony F says:

    :-D

    May 1st, 2010 at 19:34

  5. bill says:

    Well, if it’s going to be “Joke Day”, here’s one . . .

    A man walks along a lonely beach. suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!

    He looks around: nobody’s there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!

    So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN !

    Ok, the man thinks, let’s open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !

    Well the casino is only a few minutes away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE !

    So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 !

    He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26.

    The deep voice says: SHIT !

    May 1st, 2010 at 22:32

  6. 200 says:

    MTG,
    I bet you have a bigger cock than everyone else too

    May 4th, 2010 at 16:54

  7. 200 says:

    MTG,

    I don’t have any aliases on here, smartarse, unlike your good self every word I write on this blog, whether blog entry or comment is in my own single pseudonym. However, if we were to examine the different names you’ve used – I see your IP address on all your ‘anonymous’ entries – and all the other names you’ve used when you don’t have the bottle to put it in your usual name, we’d probably find at least 10 different aliases.

    As my old grandmother used to say, sometimes it’s better to keep quiet & appear like a wanker than to open your mouth & remove all doubt.

    May 7th, 2010 at 22:57

  8. 200 says:

    …and you’re a pretentious fuckwit

    May 8th, 2010 at 00:08

  9. 200 says:

    Melv,

    take your pretentious shite elsewhere, you’ve been tolerated long enough.

    May 8th, 2010 at 11:17

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