In a shock decision which has rocked the county to the core of its foundations, Humpshire Constabulary’s chief constable Chlamydia Gruntwazzock resigned with immediate effect this week.
In a hastily-prepared press release Ms Gruntwazzock said, "Recent news of the disappointing results in the police league tables has come as a great surprise to everyone concerned in Humpshire Constabulary, most of all me. Clearly all blame must be laid at the door of those who run the organisation and as such I accept full responsibility for the current failures within my force, I mean service."
The recent annual inspection by Her Majesty’s Inspector of Constabulary, Sir Ronnie Da-do-ron-ron placed all 43 English & Welsh forces in a hierarchical list based on key government performance indicators. Humpshire was placed 42nd.
Local county council spokesperson on law & order, Lesley Beane said, "It is correct to say that the county council is disappointed with Sir Ronnie’s assessment of the force’s performance results. Whilst I cannot argue with the acualite, our perception is that there is a lot of great work going on within the meeting rooms and senior officers’ messes at Humpshire headquarters."
Humpshire recorded only 1 mark out of 100 for arresting billy the burglar at the back of the kebab shop last Wednesday week, yet recorded 120 out of a hundred for sending 4,562 members of staff on a completely pointless 3-week course on how to smile at friends we haven’t yet met.
A spokesman for Sir Ronnie Ram-a-lang-a-ding-dong said, "Clearly the only way to measure the success of the police is to come up with meaningless lists of ticky boxes which senior managers can employ cohorts of statisticians to tick. If enough boxes aren’t ticked despite the massive investment in tick-box staff then those responsible cannot fail to undertake a consideration of their position, isn’t it."
Police Authority Chairman Vincent Kodogo said, "We will not accept failure or second-best for the people of Humpshire, some of whom actually pay tax. I am gratified the chief believes the only honourable action is to resign. We are further pleased that all 26 chief superintendents & 83 superintendents have also tendered their resignation."
Asked whether he had offered his own resignation Mr Kodogo replied, "Heavens, no! It’s the chief what makes all the decisions, we merely sign all the cheques & tell him what decisions to make based on what the government want next."
Police Federation rep, John Bunce, said, "Obviously this story is complete bollocks I don’t know where you got it from. Anyone who knows anything about police & policing in the UK knows that whilst a PC will be stuck on & risk losing their job for saying something inappropriate or making a mistake when dealing with an incident, everyone knows that nobody ever takes responsibility for fucking up the whole force."
Chlamydia Gruntwazzock was a QPM.