March 22nd, 2010

That new Parliamentary scandal, in full

Posted in Other Stuff, The Job - Satire by 200

The world of politics was literally not rocked to its foundations this week at the revelations of the Sunday Times & Dispatches programme that washed up government ministers were prostituting themselves to any company with some spare cash.

Literally nobody was surprised at secret undercover footage of Labour MPs offering to do favours for three grand a day to potential clients willing to bribe, er inves,t their way to privileged access to key decision-making government departments.

Sir Sydney Freedosh, acting chair of the Parliamentary Privilege Whitewash Committee said: “Of course we are aware that Stephen Byers, Geoff Hoon & Patricia Hewitt have offered to give a leg-up to certain companies in exchange for cash, but in the current climate businesses need all the help they can get. Frankly, what did surprise us was the particularly low rates they are charging. Three thousand pounds for a day’s hard work, ringing old mates & getting them to amend laws in favour of struggling businesses seems very low indeed. At least Byers was touting for up to five grand a day. Way to go!”

Secret footage, due to be aired on Channel Four’s Dispatches, shows the MPs boasting about what they’d previously managed to get away with for cash.

Matthew Isitmyturnagain, from the Taxpayers Alliance, said: “We weren’t in the least bit surprised at the documentary’s revelations. MPs lining their own pockets is nothing new. It’s what they do. At least this time it’s business footing the bill, not the taxpayer.”

Stephen Byers has sought to clarify matters. In a statement released when he realised hed been caught, he said: “I wish to make it clear that when I told the very attractive undercover journalist that I had ‘facilitated a better deal for National Express by speaking to the Transport Minister’ what I actually meant was ‘I have never lobbied ministers on behalf of commercial interests’. When I said I ‘was like a cab for hire’ – at between three five thousand pounds a day – this was taken out of context. What I really meant was that’ in the light of recent revelations about corruption in Parliament the furore of MPs expences, it would be totally inappropriate for me to accept or even seek more free cash to carry out sleazy Spanish practises, please pick up your hidden cameras microphones be gone’. I trust this sets the record straight won’t delay my elevation to the Lords unduly.”

Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment as he was attending to important matters behind his desk at number ten with his head on his hands.

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  1. Stonehead says:

    Not to mention all their undeclared foreign junkets…

    And if someone says “it will change under the Tories”, I’ll tar and feather them. They’re all at it, regardless of party.

    March 23rd, 2010 at 06:48

  2. Mrs Piggy says:

    There’s never a Guy Fawkes around when you need one or an Oliver Cromwell!!!!!

    March 23rd, 2010 at 09:30

  3. shijuro says:

    as Mark Twain once remarked…

    ‘you will always know when a politician is lying- his lips move…’


    March 23rd, 2010 at 10:28

  4. boy on a bike says:

    OT, but just thought you’d like to know that we have completely useless meat heads down here as well.

    March 23rd, 2010 at 10:51

  5. Fee says:

    This is the closest I’ve ever come to not voting. I was brought up to believe that the franchise was not just a right, but carried the responsibility to use it wisely. Mind you, that was when Labour was still a socialist party, so I’m doing no more than showing my age!

    I’ll still vote (whenever G Brown gets around to naming the day – honestly, he’s worse than a reluctant bridegroom!) but I’m sorely tempted to protest vote. None of the mainstream parties have covered themselves in glory, so I might just go Green.

    March 23rd, 2010 at 13:33

  6. Stonehead says:

    Fee, that’s precisely what we should all do at the election. Turn out in droves, ignore the candidates from the main parties, and vote for absolutely anyone else who catches our attention. Or vote for the most likely non-main party candidate. Really upset the applecart by voting out as many sitting MPs as possible. Okay, we may well have a bit of turmoil for a while as things shake out, but that’s a price that’s probably worth paying.

    Oh, and sit back to enjoy the mayhem as the surviving MPs of the main parties then turn on each other,

    March 23rd, 2010 at 17:00

  7. Tony F says:

    Fee, I am in the same boat too. I haven’t got the faintest idea who to vote for. I certainly don’t want any of the current shower of shit back in. As for any of the ones ‘waiting’ in the wings, I really cannot summon any enthusiasm for any of them. Let’s be honest, I don’t think anyone else has a clue either. I suspect either there will be such a poor turn out and liebour will win virtually by default. Or, hopefully there will be a hung parliament. I have plenty of rope.

    March 23rd, 2010 at 18:32

  8. Blueknight says:

    When the choice was between the ‘Iron Lady’ and the ‘Welsh Windbag’, things were much more clear cut and making a choice was easy. Now for the first time in my whole voting life I am wondering where to put the X.
    It will probably be a hung parliament, with some very unexpected results in places
    Labour will lose, but that does not necessarily mean the Conservatives will win.

    March 23rd, 2010 at 22:38

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