The world of law enforcement was rocked to its foundations this week with the announcement of the first reported case of brown-tongue disease.
"This could not have come at a worse time," said Acting Chief Constable J. R. Slicker in a hastily-prepared press conference at police HQ this evening. "The policing minister & Home Office are still reeling from the recent bout of foot-in-mouth disease and now this!"
The story was broken this week by journalists at the Daily Bollocks. Night editor Jonathan Liar-Liar-Pants-on-Fire said, "We have suspected for some time that there have been underlying symptoms of brown-tongue within senior echeclons of the police service. This usually manifests itself in a slavish acceptance of everything the government says with no no heed to the potential damage caused to the public & policing in this country together with a rapid need to change everything which worked to something which costs less and doesn’t."
Chief government vet, Ms Janice Hamster, urged the public to be vigilant. "Any sightings of unusual behaviour which includes such things as frantic scrabbling up promotion ladders, turning backs towards lower ranks & uncontrolled frothing & drooling from the mouth at a mention of the Queens Police Medal should be immediately reported to the authorities. We cannot underestimate the potential for damage should brown-tongue get a firm grip."
She added, "Brown-tongue can be highly contageous and is usually passed on by personal contact between senior officers and on down the ranks, although we have recently noted that even email contact is sufficient to spread the virus. Sadly, once infected, victims of brown-tongue stand an 83% chance of developing further complications such as ‘promotion’ & a 97% chance of disappearing up their own arse."
An ashen-faced Ms Hamster concluded, "The government is doing everything in its power to stamp out brown-tongue. Sadly, we may have lost the battle among senior officers & politicians but we find encouragement in the fact that the lower down the rank structure the virus spreads the lower the infection rate."
Ms Hamster is 83.