August 8th, 2007

200’s Top Tips

Posted in The Job - General by 200

Continuing on from my last post, I present a list of my top tips for smooth operations between the control room and the front line.


  1. I don’t need to be reminded or asked to attach a Police National Computer (PNC) check to a log; I attach all PNC checks to logs if a log exists, it’s what I do.
  2. I don’t need to be reminded to get the helicopter to a car chase or an intruder on. I could have advised the helicopter and had them on route by now but I keep getting interrupted by pointless requests for me to inform the helicopter.
  3. If there was a description of the offender I’d have given it to you. My job is communication & I do know what to communicate. I can’t ring the witness back to get some actual information which might be of use to you because I keep having to put the phone down to answer your radio request for a description which I said didn’t exist when I gave the job to you.
  4. No, I don’t have a better location, if I did have a better location I’d have given it to you. I have no interest in keeping useful information secret.
  5. Yes you can have a dog, I wish I’d have thought of that.
  6. No, I didn’t know you were busy doing an arrest enquiry, you didn’t tell me. Just like you didn’t tell me you’d arrived at the previous job, you didn’t tell me you’d left the previous job and you didn’t give me the result or what you wanted to do next. Whilst I have mastered the command & control system, the mapping system, the intelligence database, the crime reporting system & the radio console, I’m not quite up to speed on telepathy.
  7. Yes, I know you are intelligent enough to wear your personal protective equipment when sent to a knife fight, but the bosses don’t and they’ve told me to keep reminding you on every job with an element of danger so their arses don’t get sued when you foul up. it really isn’t my fault I appear to be teaching you to suck eggs.
  8. I really don’t mind giving the address to you twice when giving you the job, once on route and again when you’re in the area and I don’t mind when you’re in the right street and still asking for the door number, but really, there are two of you, surely the one in the passenger seat carries a pen?
  9. There really is no such thing as a quick search of the crime system to check whether some skanky bit of old crap you’ve found in the street really is reported as stolen.
  10. Yes, I can do a vehicle check for you, but you know I’m on my own and can hear me dealing with an immediate assignment and being asked different questions by three different units whilst trying to ring the informant back, can’t it wait a while?
  11. I know you’re keen to talk to me but do you really have to cut in on the radio as soon as there is a break in transmission, knowing that I’ve just been given a long and complicated update which needs to go on a log. I have contacts with many different resources but the updating log typing fairy isn’t on my list and logs don’t update themselves.
  12. I’m a 6’2, 18 stone hairy-arsed copper, not a touch typist


Er, at the risk of inviting a similar list of complaints against controllers, I think I’ll end there…for now. 

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