August 8th, 2007

200′s Top Tips

Posted in The Job - General by 200

Continuing on from my last post, I present a list of my top tips for smooth operations between the control room and the front line.


  1. I don’t need to be reminded or asked to attach a Police National Computer (PNC) check to a log; I attach all PNC checks to logs if a log exists, it’s what I do.
  2. I don’t need to be reminded to get the helicopter to a car chase or an intruder on. I could have advised the helicopter and had them on route by now but I keep getting interrupted by pointless requests for me to inform the helicopter.
  3. If there was a description of the offender I’d have given it to you. My job is communication & I do know what to communicate. I can’t ring the witness back to get some actual information which might be of use to you because I keep having to put the phone down to answer your radio request for a description which I said didn’t exist when I gave the job to you.
  4. No, I don’t have a better location, if I did have a better location I’d have given it to you. I have no interest in keeping useful information secret.
  5. Yes you can have a dog, I wish I’d have thought of that.
  6. No, I didn’t know you were busy doing an arrest enquiry, you didn’t tell me. Just like you didn’t tell me you’d arrived at the previous job, you didn’t tell me you’d left the previous job and you didn’t give me the result or what you wanted to do next. Whilst I have mastered the command & control system, the mapping system, the intelligence database, the crime reporting system & the radio console, I’m not quite up to speed on telepathy.
  7. Yes, I know you are intelligent enough to wear your personal protective equipment when sent to a knife fight, but the bosses don’t and they’ve told me to keep reminding you on every job with an element of danger so their arses don’t get sued when you foul up. it really isn’t my fault I appear to be teaching you to suck eggs.
  8. I really don’t mind giving the address to you twice when giving you the job, once on route and again when you’re in the area and I don’t mind when you’re in the right street and still asking for the door number, but really, there are two of you, surely the one in the passenger seat carries a pen?
  9. There really is no such thing as a quick search of the crime system to check whether some skanky bit of old crap you’ve found in the street really is reported as stolen.
  10. Yes, I can do a vehicle check for you, but you know I’m on my own and can hear me dealing with an immediate assignment and being asked different questions by three different units whilst trying to ring the informant back, can’t it wait a while?
  11. I know you’re keen to talk to me but do you really have to cut in on the radio as soon as there is a break in transmission, knowing that I’ve just been given a long and complicated update which needs to go on a log. I have contacts with many different resources but the updating log typing fairy isn’t on my list and logs don’t update themselves.
  12. I’m a 6’2, 18 stone hairy-arsed copper, not a touch typist


Er, at the risk of inviting a similar list of complaints against controllers, I think I’ll end there…for now. 

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  1. Noddy says:

    Been there done it got the t shirt, but your points are valid and have been for as long as I can remember and will probably be so in the future! Just remember you get to go home with a clean slate the next day, without worrying about the pile of cr… sorry enquiries still outstanding and the drunken eejit bending your ear is at least on the end of a phone and not right in front of you…. the grass is greener etc etc.

    August 8th, 2007 at 14:39

  2. Dave says:

    have you seen the website

    Its a supt in UK and is very good as well.

    Regards and best wishes


    August 8th, 2007 at 21:14

  3. BelfastPeeler says:

    blah blah blah blah blah blah. Roger so far.

    Eh negative 38, the Steno isn’t on with me tonight. :)

    August 11th, 2007 at 21:26

  4. 200 says:

    Noddy, fair comment but with 28 yrs at the front end I’ve done my fair share now, so much so that I almost feel entitled to sit on my arse all day bitching!

    August 12th, 2007 at 14:37

  5. sheila bate says:

    Speaking as someone with less than a week left to go – can I add one
    more to your list – learn your patch
    Dont ask for a pnc check and not know where you are it could lead to death
    Dont ask where landmark buildings are like the local football ground it makes you look stupid and makes me swear a lot
    and I do so agree with the two manned (sorry) vehicle who repeatedly ask for the road/house number/its location because they cannot see it
    from the car – how on earth do they complete their pnbs
    I know that was more than one but it has made me feel so much better

    August 16th, 2007 at 12:45

  6. Leroy says:

    Unrelated but interesting…

    It’s a story about a revamped approach to fighting crime, where the police gathered in the street and allowed residents to come to them to voice their fears.
    A good return to bobby on the beat? Or a naff idea which doesn’t engage the whole community? Love to see your opinions on it, on this blog.

    August 21st, 2007 at 14:50

  7. Jabadaw says:


    You make a good point here. I am on a Safer Neighbourhood Team and do these street briefings fairly often. The Inspector keep getting on to me to get press coverage! For what? So they can report that the local residents report ASB because someone walks past from a nearby pub on occasions and makes some noise as they walk past their house! Or that children in a nearby playground/park make noise. All of them expect us to curtail this ASB immediately!!! They pay our wages, etc etc. All of the pubs were there long before these residents moved into their homes as was the park! The odd drunk walking past singing or mainly just talking loudly does NOT constitute ASB in my book.

    Then what would the story be? Bored Sergeant listens to a load of whinging idiots who really should get out more often!

    August 25th, 2007 at 19:33

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