May 15th, 2007

That Voicemail Message in Full

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find an audio version of this ansaphone message so you’ll have to make do with a text version. – If anyone has a link to the audio file, please let me know!


Hello, you have reached the Police Department’s Voice Mail. Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and unusual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:

To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you created yourself, press 1.

To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we’ll do something about a problem, press 2.

To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.

If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.

If you would like us to take control of your life due to your chemical dependency or alcohol, press 5.

If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.

To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7.

To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you’ll have our badge, or to proclaim our career is over, press 8.

To whine about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses for police rather than keeping your dumb ass in line, press 9.

Please note your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support and remember…..we’re here to save your ass, NOT kiss it!

Thanks for calling your local police department and have a nice day

Priceless, & so apt! 


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