May 15th, 2007

That Voicemail Message in Full

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find an audio version of this ansaphone message so you’ll have to make do with a text version. – If anyone has a link to the audio file, please let me know!


Hello, you have reached the Police Department’s Voice Mail. Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and unusual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:

To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you created yourself, press 1.

To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we’ll do something about a problem, press 2.

To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.

If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.

If you would like us to take control of your life due to your chemical dependency or alcohol, press 5.

If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.

To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7.

To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you’ll have our badge, or to proclaim our career is over, press 8.

To whine about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses for police rather than keeping your dumb ass in line, press 9.

Please note your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support and remember…..we’re here to save your ass, NOT kiss it!

Thanks for calling your local police department and have a nice day

Priceless, & so apt! 


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  1. thethinblueline says:

    I could’ve done with this the other day.

    All people wanted to do was phone me to whinge about one thing or another. I mean, granted “it’s good to talk”, just leave me out of it!

    May 21st, 2007 at 17:49

  2. alison says:

    lol very funny, and yes i’m a new reader
    is this what comes up when people dial 999?

    May 24th, 2007 at 21:04

  3. whichendbites says:

    I have just seen your blog. I have this one and will email to you.

    May 27th, 2007 at 12:08

  4. thethinblueline says:

    I’ve just spent ages emailing this about all my mates. It’s currently doing the round in our Control Room and I’ve linked back on my blog.

    It says more about Policing than my blog ever could. Priceless!

    May 28th, 2007 at 18:50

  5. 200 says:


    many thanks, I’ve uploaded the file to the blog so anyone else can enjoy it.

    May 29th, 2007 at 18:49

  6. PCSO says:


    November 4th, 2007 at 00:06

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