June 22nd, 2009

That Times Story in full

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

The world of TV entertainment & motor racing was rocked to its foundations this week with the news that a crack team of Times investigative journalists had blown the lid in one if the most closely guarded secrets of all time.

Trevor Shite, deputy-under-sub-night editor for the Murdoch Thunderer said “We’ve been working this case night & day for 18 months. Next to the question of who married Jesus, this is the biggest mystery our readers have been emailing us about.”

Rumours have been bubbling in journalistic circles that a big story was about to break & with the publication of today’s edition of the Murdoch Bugle, all was revealed.

Shite said “After many minutes of hard work we can now reveal the identity of Top Gear’s ‘Stig’.”

The Stig, Top Gear’s tamed racing driver, has long been the subject of speculation as to his identity since he first donned the famous white romper suit & helmet. The Stig has been sensationally revealed to be Mrs Gladys Blenkinsop, a 69-year-old pensioner from Newcastle-under-Lyme.

The Murdoch Chronicle’s lead investigative journalist with the ‘ruining people’s well-being’ portfolio explained, “People have the right to know the identity of anyone whose manner of driving brings them into the public consciousness. We will always work tirelessly to bring our readers the best journalism the country has to offer. Mrs Blenkinsop has been quite willing to live under the mask of anonymity while she zooms round private racetracks at all hours, but what if she was not in fact one of the most famous racing personalities on the planet? What if she was something low & scummy, like a journo? Where would we be then?”

Fending off the ensuing public backlash, Algernon Dickwinkle, one of the Murdoch Advertiser’s leading hacks said “The identity of the Stig is clearly a matter of public interest. We have literally two requests for us to reveal this information &  we are quite happy to do so. This is journalism in action, at its finest.”

Critics of the Times have accused it of running out of news. In it’s defence  Dickwankle said, “Clearly the Times missed a trick on declining the offer to purchase a set of documents from a Whitehall source on the basis of nobody giving a fuck about what MPs spend their hard earned cash on. So we made up for missing the biggest story of the year so far by publishing the biggest non-story of the year, it kind of works.”

Murdoch journos studied the identity of the Stig by typing relevant keywords into Google. When they drew a blank, the merely followed the Stig home on the number 27 bus.

When contacted, Mrs Blenkinsop, on  the doorstep of her Midlands home, said “I really don’t know what all the fuss is about. I have to go now dear as I’ve just put some scones in the oven & then I have a new turbocharger to fit.”

Batting off criticism that the Murdoch Post was merely trying to scoop the bottom of the journalistic barrel after missing out on stories where people actually did give a fuck, Shite said “That’s nothing, in the next part of the series we reveal that Father Christmas doesn’t exist, the Prime Minister is really some bloke called Gordon Brown and the Bogeyman  is a second hand vacuum cleaner salesman called Norman.”

You can skip to the end and leave a comment. Pinging is currently not allowed. RSS 2.0