April 19th, 2009

New trial system set to launch

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

The judicial system was rocked to its foundations today with the announcement from the Lord Chief Justice that England & Wales is likely to abandon trial by jury.

Lord Trumpington Outloud said that following secret government trials the right to trial by jury would, from May 15th 2009, be replaced by a new system slated to be far more popular; trial by YouTube. In a speach this morning to the House of Lords, he said, Britain has, for many thousands of years, & long and proud tradition of the concept of trial by peers. Far from ditching the concept,  we are enhancing it. No longer will people be judged by just 12 men good & true, they will be judged by potentially millions of their peers. This is just extending the trial by jury concept, not abandoning it.”

A government white paper sets out the new system. Members of the public will no longer need to go through the long & laborious process of reporting a crime to the police, waiting months to make statements with a roll of the doce as to whether the offender sees the inside of a court. Instead, they will just film the crime & post the video on YouTube. All visitors to the site will then be able to view the footage & select their choice of three boxes; “Guilty”, “Not Guilty” or “Your having a fucking giraffe”.

A new unit set up at the Home Office will be responsible for counting the votes & publishing the verdicts via the new www.stitched-up-like-a-kipper.gov.uk website.

Home Secretary, Jacquie Spliff  said, “The government has long been a champion of new and innovative ideas and we are proud to announce this new initiative which should see conviction rates soar. If it saves the need for just one trial it will be enough to buy me a third holiday home on the sea-front at Weston-super-Mare. I signed off the directive this morning using a biro purchased from Messrs W H Smith, cost 49 pence. Can I have a refund on that now, please.”

Sham Chakrawanki, president of Libertas said, “It’s about time police officers were held accountable for their actions. Hopefully, with the removal of the CPS and court process, convictions will rise & police officers can be taken off the streets and put where they belong, in prison. What, this is for members of the public as well? Oh shit, no comment.”

The new scheme hasn’t gone down well in all quarters, however. Robin Shite, senior partner of London law firm Sue, Sue and Sue said, “This is an utter disgrace. We have a long tradition of squeezing every last penny out of the legal aid system. Why, only last month I earnt 2 squillion pounds on a trumped up robbery charge which I persuaded to go not guilty even though he done it, after we got it adjourned 64 times at £2,564.46 an hour plus VAT. If this system comes in how can shysters such as myself be expected to earn a crust? The corridors of every court in the land will be full of suited gentlemen weeping into their portfolios. Those Lexuses don’t buy themselves.” He added, “To whom shall I make the bill for this quote?”

YouTube confirmed they had been approached by the Home Office & were ramping up their systems to cope with demand. Jonathan Richbastard said “It’s only natural for YouTube to branch into judicial systems. We welcome developments with open arms. This is merely another arm of Google’s efforts to take over the world.”

He added, “There are measures in place to stop abuse of the system, for instance, only a certain proportion will be allowed to vote not guilty. The exact forumla is kept secret by the Home Office but we can say it is linked to whether the defendant is a police officer & is tied in with government satisfaction levels.”

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  1. Noddy says:

    …..and the sentencing? Ebay?

    April 19th, 2009 at 04:00

  2. Civ_In_The_City says:

    I voted for Dale Winton to present, “Guilty or Not Guilty, YouTube, You Decide. Vote now or later, but DO vote. Votes cost £1 from landlines, £4.50 via the web or £9.70 via mobile phones (other networks may charge considerably more).”

    April 19th, 2009 at 17:04

  3. Alpha Tango says:

    Gus O Donnell to run the new trial system.

    He is charge of the House of Commons dept to decide whether MP’s have breached any rules. So far only one complaint upheld out of over 100 !

    April 19th, 2009 at 18:04

  4. constableconfused.com says:

    It’s actually quite scarey. With Clifford now involved I can see the next hit TV programme being “Britain’s Got Criminals” with Simon Cowell and crew deciding if people are guilty or not. Three red crosses will equal life imprisonment.


    April 19th, 2009 at 18:12

  5. Tony F says:

    I thought that that is how it was done anyway?

    April 19th, 2009 at 18:52

  6. constableconfused.com says:

    It is Mr F but without the glaring media presence or Simon Cowell. Now there’s a thought! I’m just off to phone Sky!


    April 19th, 2009 at 20:03

  7. Plodnomore says:

    Several years ago I sat through an American film – one of those spoofs – in which a public official was suspected of carrying out a minor infringement and which resulted, after witch-hunting, innuendo and rumours, in the head of the organisation facing the mob surrounding his building. He said that after all the evidence has been viewed and and an extremely fair trial has taken the place, after the jury’s verdict, the miscreant WILL be taken to a public place and hung by his balls until they drop off. At the time I thought I was watching a comedy but didn’t realise it was actually a vision of the English justice(?) system.

    April 19th, 2009 at 20:10

  8. Silas Tupworthy says:

    Sir, I must pour my Eton cultivated scorn upon your proposal. As a Barrister, I condemn this outrageous attack on tradition and well established foundations upon which we have built the judicial process. Notwithstanding a National capacity to survive another major economic upheaval, the very idea has implications to prejudice the honourable profession. Such a proposition would abandon everything we value and leave lawyers to scavenge. This Country is not ready to abandon its army of the faithful and oblige them to invent new scams. To maintain the status quo and placate the masses, I can live with the suggestion of sacrificing a few thousand police. This of course, is conditional to channeling all cases of dismissal through my chambers.

    April 20th, 2009 at 08:40

  9. Legal Eagle says:

    Literary Genius!

    (By the way, not all lawyers driver Lexuses – some of us drive porsches dontchaknow)

    April 20th, 2009 at 11:33

  10. Officer dibble says:

    I reckon we can catch out future anarchists by examination of their phones.They will have max clifford on speed dial.

    April 20th, 2009 at 20:00

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