April 19th, 2009

New trial system set to launch

Posted in The Job - Satire by 200

The judicial system was rocked to its foundations today with the announcement from the Lord Chief Justice that England & Wales is likely to abandon trial by jury.

Lord Trumpington Outloud said that following secret government trials the right to trial by jury would, from May 15th 2009, be replaced by a new system slated to be far more popular; trial by YouTube. In a speach this morning to the House of Lords, he said, Britain has, for many thousands of years, & long and proud tradition of the concept of trial by peers. Far from ditching the concept,  we are enhancing it. No longer will people be judged by just 12 men good & true, they will be judged by potentially millions of their peers. This is just extending the trial by jury concept, not abandoning it.”

A government white paper sets out the new system. Members of the public will no longer need to go through the long & laborious process of reporting a crime to the police, waiting months to make statements with a roll of the doce as to whether the offender sees the inside of a court. Instead, they will just film the crime & post the video on YouTube. All visitors to the site will then be able to view the footage & select their choice of three boxes; “Guilty”, “Not Guilty” or “Your having a fucking giraffe”.

A new unit set up at the Home Office will be responsible for counting the votes & publishing the verdicts via the new www.stitched-up-like-a-kipper.gov.uk website.

Home Secretary, Jacquie Spliff  said, “The government has long been a champion of new and innovative ideas and we are proud to announce this new initiative which should see conviction rates soar. If it saves the need for just one trial it will be enough to buy me a third holiday home on the sea-front at Weston-super-Mare. I signed off the directive this morning using a biro purchased from Messrs W H Smith, cost 49 pence. Can I have a refund on that now, please.”

Sham Chakrawanki, president of Libertas said, “It’s about time police officers were held accountable for their actions. Hopefully, with the removal of the CPS and court process, convictions will rise & police officers can be taken off the streets and put where they belong, in prison. What, this is for members of the public as well? Oh shit, no comment.”

The new scheme hasn’t gone down well in all quarters, however. Robin Shite, senior partner of London law firm Sue, Sue and Sue said, “This is an utter disgrace. We have a long tradition of squeezing every last penny out of the legal aid system. Why, only last month I earnt 2 squillion pounds on a trumped up robbery charge which I persuaded to go not guilty even though he done it, after we got it adjourned 64 times at £2,564.46 an hour plus VAT. If this system comes in how can shysters such as myself be expected to earn a crust? The corridors of every court in the land will be full of suited gentlemen weeping into their portfolios. Those Lexuses don’t buy themselves.” He added, “To whom shall I make the bill for this quote?”

YouTube confirmed they had been approached by the Home Office & were ramping up their systems to cope with demand. Jonathan Richbastard said “It’s only natural for YouTube to branch into judicial systems. We welcome developments with open arms. This is merely another arm of Google’s efforts to take over the world.”

He added, “There are measures in place to stop abuse of the system, for instance, only a certain proportion will be allowed to vote not guilty. The exact forumla is kept secret by the Home Office but we can say it is linked to whether the defendant is a police officer & is tied in with government satisfaction levels.”

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