DC: This interview is being tape recorded. You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do not mention, when questioned, something which you later rely on in court. Do you understand?
DC: You’ve been arrested on suspicion of aiding an offender in the commission of a series of burglaries.
KW: Apparently, you’ve made a big mistake.
DC: That’s what they all say. Tell me, in your own words, what happened.
KW: Well, I was in the office with my butler, we were partaking of a glass of mulled wine, for it was bitter outside, there was a cruel frost.
DC: Go on.
KW: I was surveying the square from my window & wondering at how brightly the moon was shining when I noticed a figure in the square below. I was somewhat surprised, due to the bitter weather, that someone would be out on a night like this. I called my butler over. I asked my butler if he knew the hap[ess person out in the snow & whether he knew from which abode he had come.
DC: And did he?
KW: Well, as luck would have it, my man did know the chappie – I believe you already have him in custody on some trumped up burglary charge – I was advised that he was a working class fellar from some distance away, I believe he lives next to St Agnes’ Fountain.
DC: And what did this man appear to be doing?
KW: Well, he was going round the square trying to collect fuel for his fire at home. I don’t believe he has much money & his meter had run out.
DC: And you did what?
KW: Well, by the look of him I thought he could do with a good hot meal in his stomach.Ã‚Â I ordered my butler to bring some meat & wine & some logs and we would take them out into the square to give the chap a feast, after all, it is Christmas.
KW: We gathered the items together and set forth across the square. We hadn’t gone too far when my butler started complaining about the weather. It was much darker and the wind was blowing an awful gale. He didn’t feel he could continue. I told him to buck his ideas up and follow my footsteps and he wouldn’t feel so cold. So we continued to the man, set the pine logs down to create a fire, roasted the flesh & drank the wine.
DC: I see, and I suppose the man was so grateful he gave you the contents of a sack he was carrying which happened to contain several sets of silver candlesticks, various items of jewelery & some unwrapped Christmas presents?
KW: Er, yes. A good deed for a good deed, if you will.
DC: Bollocks. The whole story is bollocks. Gathering winter fuel? According to my information, this chap lives a good league hence, which, according to Google is about 3 miles.
DC: And we already know that he lives by St Agnes Fountain, which happens to be next to the forest fence.
KW: Er, yes.
DC: So, Mr Wenceslas, if he lives next to the bloody forest, why is he walking 3 miles in the worst winter night this year into the town square which, last time I looked, contained 2 cherry trees and a rotten bush? He has all the winter fuel he could possibly need right outside his own front door?
KW: Hmmm, I never thought of that.
DC: And, you may have noticed that the snow was deep & crips and even?
KW: Yes. it certainly was, hence my concern for his welfare.
DC: Well, you may also have noticed the footprints dinted in the snow which led to every back door in the square. Each house broken into in turn and all the stolen goodies miraculously appear in your office. And as for a so called butler, we’ve checked the employment records, viewed all the CCTV which covers your castle & used various other powers conferred upon us by the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act & none such person ever existed, did they?
DC: And you took some pine logs out into the bitter night to set up a fire and cook him a meal? In all that fucking snow? Do me aÃ‚Â favour, you have the biggest kitchen in the town. Why not just invite him in & shove a sausage on the grill?
KW: Oh dear…. would now be a good time to ask for a solicitor?